I want to share with all of you how weird it was this morning getting into the shower. Just like everyone I have a morning routine. That routine is very much based on having hair! Hmm...go figure! I'll walk you through and some of it might be TMI, but that's the point of a blog, so here goes! lol
When I first get up, of course I go to the bathroom, then I take the dog out to go potty. I only shower every other day and this morning was shower day so I put my contacts in, put my towels down on the toilet so I could reach them when I get out (when I say towels, I have a body towel and a hair towel) and started the water. I was looking forward to the heat because I had recently turned off the bedroom heat in our apartment so it was pretty chilly. I get into the hot shower and let the water run down my body. (Ahh, that felt good!) I put my head under the water and wow, was that interesting! I still have coarse little stubble so it wasn't directly on my bare scalp or it would have probably been too hot! Ouch!
Anyways, as I am standing there, I realize that my shower routine will change or be a little shorter at least. I always wet my hair and wash it first and then I wash my face and my body. So, as I reach for the shampoo I realized that I don't need very much, but not before I put a big old glob into my hands. Oh well, I guess it won't hurt anything! lol I wash my head and then start to wash my face. After that I put some conditioner on my head (doesn't hurt to want the stubble to be soft, lol) and get my loofa to wash my body. As I am washing my body, I look over to the shower wall and notice something is missing. Now for those of you with long hair or hair at all I guess lol, you tend to lose some of it when you shower. Me, when I lose hair in the shower, I catch as much as I can of it and put it up onto the wall to throw away after the shower (keeps the drain semi clear, although Chad will tell you it doesn't, lol). So when I look up on the shower wall and don't see any hair, I start to cry. As much of a pain in the ass the hair was at times, the realization hit that I won't have any to put on the wall for the next 6 months. I grieve for the loss of my hair and move on with my shower.
As I am washing my body (TMI coming up here, lol) I get down to the pubic region and realize that I won't have any more surprise hairs down there (long hairs from my head) and get really excited! I know, I'm weird! As I am rinsing my body off, I did end up pulling a long hair out from down there (from the loofa) and had quite the laugh at the lone hair! I was kind of confused at first and then realized that it must have been caught in the loofa during my last shower. It's all about the little things that I am realizing along my journey.
I turn off the shower and reach for my hair towel to wrap my hair in before drying my body off. It was then that I realized that I don't have any hair to wrap in the towel. lol I decide that I will just wrap my head up to dry the stubble. Unnecessary, but no big deal. Then I start to think about all the things that will be different since I don't have any hair. I will no longer have random hairs on my body and I won't have to ask my husband to get them off of my back. I won't have to put styling product in or have to style it. I'll just have to think about what kind of scarf or hat to wear or if I want to wear a wig or not.
I haven't lost my eyebrows or lashes yet, but those are supposed to go too. I've got eyebrow powder and wax for when that happens. Fun times!
I am just so grateful that I don't have a funky shaped head! I actually feel beautiful bald and that is all that matters!
Friday, April 4, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
A shave and a hair cut
So, today is the day! I am going to shave off all of my hair. I'm a little nervous, I must say. I don't know what I'll look like bald, but I know that I can rock a cute scarf or hat, so I should be okay. Everyone says I'm brave, but I just say I'm a control freak! lol This is my way of being proactive and getting to do it my way, instead of chemo's way! So there! I guess what I'm most nervous about is now everyone will know I'm going through cancer and I'll be getting "looks." Its not that I'm not used to getting looks. When you're almost 400 lbs getting "looks" is pretty normal. lol But I've lost 145 lbs of that weight and I've been feeling pretty normal lately. It will be a bummer to stand out again, just when I've been getting used to blending in. Oh well, such is life.
It's weird writing all of this out for people to read. I feel like my life isn't anything really special. I'm just a normal girl, with normal feelings, going through cancer. Again. I'm just so darn angry to have to go through all of this again! I mean, I'm grateful that I'm healthy and able to have chemo, but I wish I didn't have to do this. School is almost over, and I have no idea how I'm going to do my Externship when chemo makes me so tired. I guess I'll take it one day at a time for now. It's never convenient to get cancer, but the timing really sucks! While everyone has been so great at offering to help, no one can go to school or work for me. It is what it is.
It's weird writing all of this out for people to read. I feel like my life isn't anything really special. I'm just a normal girl, with normal feelings, going through cancer. Again. I'm just so darn angry to have to go through all of this again! I mean, I'm grateful that I'm healthy and able to have chemo, but I wish I didn't have to do this. School is almost over, and I have no idea how I'm going to do my Externship when chemo makes me so tired. I guess I'll take it one day at a time for now. It's never convenient to get cancer, but the timing really sucks! While everyone has been so great at offering to help, no one can go to school or work for me. It is what it is.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Cancer cannot
Have you ever gone through something that changed you at your core? Something that didn't just change how you think and feel, but changed who you were? That is kind of what it's like having cancer. It changes everything! It makes the simplest things seem so much more important! I used to take my family and friends for granted, but not now. Time I get to spend with them is so, so precious! Any opportunity I get to spend with someone else, I cherish it. It's an opportunity to see life through someone else's eyes and share the moment with them. It can just be simply sitting in the same room with them and talking about the weather. It doesn't matter. That to me is living. Living every day like it's special.
Puppies, butterflies, rainbows, kittens, (baby animals in general...lol) flowers, fluffy white clouds against the blue sky, thunderstorms, the smell of rain hitting the hot asphalt, mountains covered in snow, the sky reflected on a calm lake, the smell of cookies baking, the sound of children opening up Christmas presents, the sound of birds chirping in the morning, the smell of spring, the smell of fall, the smell of snow, the smell of rain, a cool breeze on a hot summer day, a bubble bath, a foot rub, a massage, a facial, the touch of my mom's cool hand on my hot forehead are all things that are precious to me, things that I will forever cherish deep inside of my soul. I believe these things are given to me by God. They give me so much peace.
Cancer cannot take away my memories, my salvation, my choice, my hope, my courage, my soul, my laughter, my love, my eternal life or my words. It cannot hold power over me and it cannot make me a victim. I am a survivor, no matter what the outcome. We can all choose to live our lives this way. Would you rather be a victim or a survivor? I choose to be a survivor! Life is rough, for everyone, but how we react to it can be someone else's blessing.
Puppies, butterflies, rainbows, kittens, (baby animals in general...lol) flowers, fluffy white clouds against the blue sky, thunderstorms, the smell of rain hitting the hot asphalt, mountains covered in snow, the sky reflected on a calm lake, the smell of cookies baking, the sound of children opening up Christmas presents, the sound of birds chirping in the morning, the smell of spring, the smell of fall, the smell of snow, the smell of rain, a cool breeze on a hot summer day, a bubble bath, a foot rub, a massage, a facial, the touch of my mom's cool hand on my hot forehead are all things that are precious to me, things that I will forever cherish deep inside of my soul. I believe these things are given to me by God. They give me so much peace.
Cancer cannot take away my memories, my salvation, my choice, my hope, my courage, my soul, my laughter, my love, my eternal life or my words. It cannot hold power over me and it cannot make me a victim. I am a survivor, no matter what the outcome. We can all choose to live our lives this way. Would you rather be a victim or a survivor? I choose to be a survivor! Life is rough, for everyone, but how we react to it can be someone else's blessing.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Here we go again...
It's been awhile since I last updated you all, so I figured now was a good a time as any, especially while I have some free time. I haven't had much of that lately, with school and work, but now that I am starting my fight to beat my cancer that has come back in my lungs, I will probably have more free time. Yep, you read right, my uterine cancer is back and it's in my lungs. I hate to admit that I think like this, but I was kind of expecting this to happen. I'm not normally a negative person, but somehow it just felt like I wasn't done with the uterine cancer just yet. Everyone has been so supportive and positive...saying things like..."You've got this!" and "You're so strong, you'll beat it!" and it helps to hear those things for awhile and then I get angry! Not at them mind you, but at the cancer! I want to yell and scream..."Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't it be someone else?" And then I realize that everyone feels that way about something in their life and what makes me any different. I'm just like everyone else.
I have to say that I'm really scared that I won't beat it this time. As positive as I am, this is still something that I'm thinking. What if I die? I would be okay with that of course, because I know where I'm going, but I would leave behind so many wonderful people! How could I be okay with leaving behind so many people who would be heartbroken if I died? Because this life is only temporary. This world is not my home, and I haven't felt at home here in quite awhile now. This world is full of hate, anger and bitterness that I can't handle. I will handle it if it is God's will, but if it isn't then good riddance! It probably scares you to know that's what I'm thinking. My mom told me right before she died to not cry for her, but cry for myself. I didn't understand her back then, but I understand now. She went to a better place and I was stuck on earth. So, if I should die, don't cry for me! I will be with Jesus and my Mom!
The night before I went in for my first round of chemo, I had a dream. My mom came to me and held me while we sang in church. It is one of my favorite memories of her and it's hard for me to be in church without her now, so it was an amazing comfort to have her holding me and swaying with me while we sang together. The dream was very vivid and I didn't want to wake up from it. I know that she was with me to give me peace.
On the day of my first Chemo, my husband Chad insisted that we go to breakfast and all I kept thinking was "Huh, before chemo you want me to eat a big breakfast?" But he was insistent so I went with the intent on ordering a small breakfast and humoring him. What I found when I got to the restaurant was my sister, her kids and her husband all there to greet me! A few days before she had told me should wouldn't be able to make it down for spring break and was bummed, but she worked it out with Chad through Facebook to surprise me and boy was I surprised! I grabbed her in a big hug and cried! I didn't let her go for what seemed like several minutes! It was the best surprise I've ever had and it made the day that much less scary. She brought me a little care package with some tea and gum and hard candies and bath salts, all things to help me through all the side effects I am supposed to get. She's the best sister a girl could ever have!
I got to hug my niece and nephew too, which was the best medicine ever! They are so adorable! Kora colored a picture for me that is now hanging up on my fridge. Hayden was a bundle of energy of course, and so smart as usual! Kora can write her name now and they are both so beautiful!
I haven't had any nausea from the chemo yet, but they gave me some good drugs at the hospital. One of them lasts a full 5 days! I was very impressed. They told me it's a fairly new drug that will help me a lot. The day after my chemo I went back in for a Neulasta shot that will stimulate my white blood cells and give me some pretty severe bone and muscle pain. I've got some good pain meds for that, thank goodness. I've started to feel a little achy, but no bad pain yet.
My friend Shannon got us signed up for meal delivery through her church, so once a week we'll get a meal delivered so Chad doesn't have to cook and I can rest. She is such an amazing blessing to me. I love her so much! My friend Sharyn sat with me while I got chemo and then stayed with me at my house all day while Chad was at work, just to make sure I didn't feel too yucky or need help with anything. She is such a Godsend! She bought me a couple of caps and took me out to lunch and everything! It was a great day!
I've decided that I'm going to shave off my hair next Wednesday. I don't want to be too traumatized with it falling out, so I'll just take control and be proactive. I've already got two wigs from the cancer center and lots of hats and scarves. I've been watching tutorials on YouTube to get ready and everything! And of course, Chad is going to shave his head too! He'll sit right next to me and we'll do it together! What a guy! A couple friends will document the experience and I'll share that with you all on Facebook and on here if I can.
So, while I'm pretty scared because this cancer is Stage 4 and harder to treat, I'm staying pretty positive and trying to have fun with the hair loss part of things! Thanks for all the support and prayers! Love you all!
I have to say that I'm really scared that I won't beat it this time. As positive as I am, this is still something that I'm thinking. What if I die? I would be okay with that of course, because I know where I'm going, but I would leave behind so many wonderful people! How could I be okay with leaving behind so many people who would be heartbroken if I died? Because this life is only temporary. This world is not my home, and I haven't felt at home here in quite awhile now. This world is full of hate, anger and bitterness that I can't handle. I will handle it if it is God's will, but if it isn't then good riddance! It probably scares you to know that's what I'm thinking. My mom told me right before she died to not cry for her, but cry for myself. I didn't understand her back then, but I understand now. She went to a better place and I was stuck on earth. So, if I should die, don't cry for me! I will be with Jesus and my Mom!
The night before I went in for my first round of chemo, I had a dream. My mom came to me and held me while we sang in church. It is one of my favorite memories of her and it's hard for me to be in church without her now, so it was an amazing comfort to have her holding me and swaying with me while we sang together. The dream was very vivid and I didn't want to wake up from it. I know that she was with me to give me peace.
On the day of my first Chemo, my husband Chad insisted that we go to breakfast and all I kept thinking was "Huh, before chemo you want me to eat a big breakfast?" But he was insistent so I went with the intent on ordering a small breakfast and humoring him. What I found when I got to the restaurant was my sister, her kids and her husband all there to greet me! A few days before she had told me should wouldn't be able to make it down for spring break and was bummed, but she worked it out with Chad through Facebook to surprise me and boy was I surprised! I grabbed her in a big hug and cried! I didn't let her go for what seemed like several minutes! It was the best surprise I've ever had and it made the day that much less scary. She brought me a little care package with some tea and gum and hard candies and bath salts, all things to help me through all the side effects I am supposed to get. She's the best sister a girl could ever have!
I got to hug my niece and nephew too, which was the best medicine ever! They are so adorable! Kora colored a picture for me that is now hanging up on my fridge. Hayden was a bundle of energy of course, and so smart as usual! Kora can write her name now and they are both so beautiful!
I haven't had any nausea from the chemo yet, but they gave me some good drugs at the hospital. One of them lasts a full 5 days! I was very impressed. They told me it's a fairly new drug that will help me a lot. The day after my chemo I went back in for a Neulasta shot that will stimulate my white blood cells and give me some pretty severe bone and muscle pain. I've got some good pain meds for that, thank goodness. I've started to feel a little achy, but no bad pain yet.
My friend Shannon got us signed up for meal delivery through her church, so once a week we'll get a meal delivered so Chad doesn't have to cook and I can rest. She is such an amazing blessing to me. I love her so much! My friend Sharyn sat with me while I got chemo and then stayed with me at my house all day while Chad was at work, just to make sure I didn't feel too yucky or need help with anything. She is such a Godsend! She bought me a couple of caps and took me out to lunch and everything! It was a great day!
I've decided that I'm going to shave off my hair next Wednesday. I don't want to be too traumatized with it falling out, so I'll just take control and be proactive. I've already got two wigs from the cancer center and lots of hats and scarves. I've been watching tutorials on YouTube to get ready and everything! And of course, Chad is going to shave his head too! He'll sit right next to me and we'll do it together! What a guy! A couple friends will document the experience and I'll share that with you all on Facebook and on here if I can.
So, while I'm pretty scared because this cancer is Stage 4 and harder to treat, I'm staying pretty positive and trying to have fun with the hair loss part of things! Thanks for all the support and prayers! Love you all!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Survivor
I am truly a survivor of cancer. In my family, that's a big deal!
While I want to be grateful to be alive (and I am), I still feel robbed of my womanhood. I was robbed of part of my childhood, and now I am robbed of part of my womanhood, too. It's really depressing. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry and other times I want to shout out how angry I am. I do not cast blame. I learned not to do that years ago, because blaming others or God makes me a victim, and I am no victim.
Without anyone to blame, who do I point my anger and frustration at; the world and the one closest to me, my husband. Chad has been through so much with me. He hadn't dealt with anything like this before and he felt really helpless. I would cry and all he could do is hold my hand. I'm sure he felt like that wasn't enough, but it was everything to me. To know that I had someone to walk through this with was such a relief. I think that's half the issue, feeling so alone. That's why there are so many support groups online, because no one should ever be alone while going through cancer.
So, now that I can't have any babies, what do I do with my life? That's what I keep repeating over and over in my head. I want to adopt, but that has it's own set of issues and I can't focus on that right now. I still have to make sure that I am proactive about my BRCA 1 gene. That means trips to Seattle and dealing with doctors and another surgery. I also want to make sure that my cancer isn't going to come back. I think that is a separate fear that is one that will be hard to get over. I don't want to adopt a baby and then find out my cancer's back and then Chad has to raise a kid all by himself. That's still something we need to discuss. I also think too much sometimes, so Chad will tell me if I'm being sill to wait or not.
It's just so crazy to think that 5 months ago my life was normal (as normal as can be, that is) and now it's not so normal. I think my day to day activities are still normal, but my way of thinking is different. I have a new appreciation for life and people who go through cancer. I have a new set of fears that I didn't have before. I will have to get a child through different means. I have to be careful what I eat, and how much stress I have because both can cause cancer to come back or to strike again. So, I put on my happy face and act like nothing happened so I can get through my day. And for the most part I am happy, happy to be alive and doing well at work and happy to have turned another year older! But some days are harder, harder to keep that happy face and harder to be positive that I will turn another year older. But I won't let my fear keep me down! I have too much life left to live for that to happen!
Thank you God for helping me get through each day, for giving me strength when I didn't have any left, for giving me peace when I was in turmoil, for giving me a husband that was and still is there for me, for giving me wisdom to know that this is making me stronger for the days ahead. I love you and your son Jesus Christ! Amen!
While I want to be grateful to be alive (and I am), I still feel robbed of my womanhood. I was robbed of part of my childhood, and now I am robbed of part of my womanhood, too. It's really depressing. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry and other times I want to shout out how angry I am. I do not cast blame. I learned not to do that years ago, because blaming others or God makes me a victim, and I am no victim.
Without anyone to blame, who do I point my anger and frustration at; the world and the one closest to me, my husband. Chad has been through so much with me. He hadn't dealt with anything like this before and he felt really helpless. I would cry and all he could do is hold my hand. I'm sure he felt like that wasn't enough, but it was everything to me. To know that I had someone to walk through this with was such a relief. I think that's half the issue, feeling so alone. That's why there are so many support groups online, because no one should ever be alone while going through cancer.
So, now that I can't have any babies, what do I do with my life? That's what I keep repeating over and over in my head. I want to adopt, but that has it's own set of issues and I can't focus on that right now. I still have to make sure that I am proactive about my BRCA 1 gene. That means trips to Seattle and dealing with doctors and another surgery. I also want to make sure that my cancer isn't going to come back. I think that is a separate fear that is one that will be hard to get over. I don't want to adopt a baby and then find out my cancer's back and then Chad has to raise a kid all by himself. That's still something we need to discuss. I also think too much sometimes, so Chad will tell me if I'm being sill to wait or not.
It's just so crazy to think that 5 months ago my life was normal (as normal as can be, that is) and now it's not so normal. I think my day to day activities are still normal, but my way of thinking is different. I have a new appreciation for life and people who go through cancer. I have a new set of fears that I didn't have before. I will have to get a child through different means. I have to be careful what I eat, and how much stress I have because both can cause cancer to come back or to strike again. So, I put on my happy face and act like nothing happened so I can get through my day. And for the most part I am happy, happy to be alive and doing well at work and happy to have turned another year older! But some days are harder, harder to keep that happy face and harder to be positive that I will turn another year older. But I won't let my fear keep me down! I have too much life left to live for that to happen!
Thank you God for helping me get through each day, for giving me strength when I didn't have any left, for giving me peace when I was in turmoil, for giving me a husband that was and still is there for me, for giving me wisdom to know that this is making me stronger for the days ahead. I love you and your son Jesus Christ! Amen!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Previvor no more
I know it's been quite awhile since I last updated my blog. Lots of things have happened since I last updated. I haven't gotten far on my proactive previvor journey, although I am still here. I can no longer be called a previvor however, because I was diagnosed with Stage 1C Uterine Cancer back in March.
It all started with me nearly bleeding to death. If it weren't for an emergency D&C that was necessary to stop the bleeding, I might not be here and I might also have a different prognosis. I don't live thinking about the "what if's" though, so I will tell you that I am very, very lucky to still be here. Anyways, the D&C was what caught the cancer early enough that it didn't spread. I had a complete hystorectomy, including ovaries, tubes and cervix. Now that might seem extreme to most, but for me it was necessary. I don't have the best genes for dealing with cancer, so it was out with everything now or wait and need surgery again in the future.
Then, after I did some healing, I went to see a Radiology Oncologist to see about getting the three internal radiation treatements that my surgeon had recommended. I almost had to have Chemotherapy (the lymphnodes were clear), so three radiation treatments seemed like nothing and I was relieved and ready to get them over with. Well, of course with me, I wasn't so lucky and had to endure 6 weeks of daily radiation treatements; 25 external and 3 internal. The doctor said that I was young and that the pathology report sent over from the surgeon showed movement present which meant that the cancer was on its way to the lympnodes. Until then I had no idea how truly lucky I was. So I accepted the 6 weeks of radiation and went back to work after 1 week of treatement. I am young, so I endured it pretty well. Digestion irritation, and some minor burns and some pretty heavy duty fatigue was all I got hit with and I recouped in about 2 months.
Losing my ovaries was the hardest part of all of this and the most difficult experience I've ever gone through (except losing my mom of course). I had just found out that I carry the BRCA 1 gene in November 2010 and then 3 months later I'm diagnosed with a cancer that came out of no where and has nothing to do with my defective gene. They are saying that it is linked to breast cancer though, so I will have to be very careful to watch my breasts. I already knew this, so at least that wasn't a shock.
Some people say that it doesn't even look like I went through anything. Those people are only friends of course. Spend one full day or even two full days with me and you'll likely see my irritibility, mood swings, crying jags and anything else that menopause causes. Oh yeah, the hot flashes are fun.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I was just battling for my life. And I can tell you now that I am truly a survivor and I hope and pray that I can always tell you that!
It all started with me nearly bleeding to death. If it weren't for an emergency D&C that was necessary to stop the bleeding, I might not be here and I might also have a different prognosis. I don't live thinking about the "what if's" though, so I will tell you that I am very, very lucky to still be here. Anyways, the D&C was what caught the cancer early enough that it didn't spread. I had a complete hystorectomy, including ovaries, tubes and cervix. Now that might seem extreme to most, but for me it was necessary. I don't have the best genes for dealing with cancer, so it was out with everything now or wait and need surgery again in the future.
Then, after I did some healing, I went to see a Radiology Oncologist to see about getting the three internal radiation treatements that my surgeon had recommended. I almost had to have Chemotherapy (the lymphnodes were clear), so three radiation treatments seemed like nothing and I was relieved and ready to get them over with. Well, of course with me, I wasn't so lucky and had to endure 6 weeks of daily radiation treatements; 25 external and 3 internal. The doctor said that I was young and that the pathology report sent over from the surgeon showed movement present which meant that the cancer was on its way to the lympnodes. Until then I had no idea how truly lucky I was. So I accepted the 6 weeks of radiation and went back to work after 1 week of treatement. I am young, so I endured it pretty well. Digestion irritation, and some minor burns and some pretty heavy duty fatigue was all I got hit with and I recouped in about 2 months.
Losing my ovaries was the hardest part of all of this and the most difficult experience I've ever gone through (except losing my mom of course). I had just found out that I carry the BRCA 1 gene in November 2010 and then 3 months later I'm diagnosed with a cancer that came out of no where and has nothing to do with my defective gene. They are saying that it is linked to breast cancer though, so I will have to be very careful to watch my breasts. I already knew this, so at least that wasn't a shock.
Some people say that it doesn't even look like I went through anything. Those people are only friends of course. Spend one full day or even two full days with me and you'll likely see my irritibility, mood swings, crying jags and anything else that menopause causes. Oh yeah, the hot flashes are fun.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I was just battling for my life. And I can tell you now that I am truly a survivor and I hope and pray that I can always tell you that!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Roller Coaster Ride
Have you ever heard that expression "My emotions are like a roller coaster"? Well, that's how I have felt since I tested positive for the BRCA 1 mutated gene. I ignored the fact that I should get tested for 3 years and now that I know I'm positive, I don't know how to act. This mutated gene is freaking me out a little. I've always been worried about my breasts, but now I have to worry about my ovaries too! Basically, I have 5 good years left to have a child, so while everyone was saying "Ahh, you're young, don't worry about having kids yet. Enjoy being married," I was right to be worried. I knew in my gut that I would have less time than the normal woman. Heck, my mom was diagnosed with her breast cancer at age 31 and that was after having two kids! They say the more kids you have, the more it can help to decrease your chances of getting breast cancer. Yeah, right! Tell that to my mother!
Before I get too far, I want to explain what decisions I have made. I have quite a few options. I could take a drug every day for 5 years (it's called Chemoprevention), I could do survellience, a combination of survellience and Chemoprevention, or I could have surgery to remove my breasts and ovaries (Prophylactic Mastectomy and Prophylactic Oophorectomy). I've decided to have my breast tissue removed. I'm not sure on the exact procedure that I will have done, but I know I want the nipple sparring procedure. It has the best cosmetic outcome and still reduces my risk by 90%. Once I have this surgery and have healed, I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby. Once I am done with having kids, or once I hit 35, I'm going to have my ovaries removed. Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because it usually has no symptoms until in its later stages, so the sooner I have them removed, the better. The reason I'm having my breasts removed first is because I am taking no chances!
What I'm a little worried about is am I going to be able to have children? I want to do everything in my power to make that happen, but what if my body is against me and I am doomed to never experience the one thing that makes a woman, a woman? I know that I have to have faith and trust in what God has planned for me and I do, but there is always that doubt inside that says things like "What person in their right mind would be selfish enough to bring a child into this world that would have a 50/50 chance of getting this gene?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to have children because I won't be here to raise them." There are so many "what ifs." What if I have my breasts removed and then I get cancer in my ovaries? What if I have a child and then get cancer and die? What if I have my ovaries removed and my breasts removed and am still not able to get pregnant? My mind won't shut up! And I know it's normal to be thinking like this, but I just wish mom was still here so I could talk to her. She would understand like no other person on this earth!
I'm so tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for a change. But that won't happen. I've dealt with things like this before and my husband and his family hasn't, so I'm the one reassuring them and informing them. I'll be the one to calm Chad down when he isn't sure how to handle this.
I am basically a ticking time bomb and that is the worst feeling ever. I have a chance to be proactive, but now I have to find a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and an oncologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a gynocologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a primary doctor because my doctor doesn't know anything about this and "terminated the doctor patient relationship", his words, not mine. I still have to deal with insurance and doctors fees and MRI fees and everything else this is going to add to my financial plate. As if I wasn't in debt already! So much for owning a house one day. Thank God for insurance covering this, or I wouldn't be able to have children and I probably wouldn't be alive in 10 years because I can't afford the surgeries on my own.
All through this I have to go to work and pretend like none of this bothers me. I have to put on a smile and act like everything is hunky dorey and that I'm not a wreck inside. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. The problem with that, is it would scare Chad. Oh and I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I've gone through pretty much all of the emotions. I've been sad, depressed, angry, lonely and scared. My fear and anger come out as irritibility and poor Chad gets snapped at on occasion and he just doesn't understand why. I try to tell him not to take it so personally and that I'm sensitive right now and he just shuts down. I want him to talk to me and try to make me laugh, but I don't think I'm ready for the laughter yet. I am very blessed to have him and his family though. They have been great! And I am pretty glad I have a husband with a sense of humor. Making light of the fact that I'll have perky boobs for life is pretty funny!
Before I get too far, I want to explain what decisions I have made. I have quite a few options. I could take a drug every day for 5 years (it's called Chemoprevention), I could do survellience, a combination of survellience and Chemoprevention, or I could have surgery to remove my breasts and ovaries (Prophylactic Mastectomy and Prophylactic Oophorectomy). I've decided to have my breast tissue removed. I'm not sure on the exact procedure that I will have done, but I know I want the nipple sparring procedure. It has the best cosmetic outcome and still reduces my risk by 90%. Once I have this surgery and have healed, I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby. Once I am done with having kids, or once I hit 35, I'm going to have my ovaries removed. Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because it usually has no symptoms until in its later stages, so the sooner I have them removed, the better. The reason I'm having my breasts removed first is because I am taking no chances!
What I'm a little worried about is am I going to be able to have children? I want to do everything in my power to make that happen, but what if my body is against me and I am doomed to never experience the one thing that makes a woman, a woman? I know that I have to have faith and trust in what God has planned for me and I do, but there is always that doubt inside that says things like "What person in their right mind would be selfish enough to bring a child into this world that would have a 50/50 chance of getting this gene?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to have children because I won't be here to raise them." There are so many "what ifs." What if I have my breasts removed and then I get cancer in my ovaries? What if I have a child and then get cancer and die? What if I have my ovaries removed and my breasts removed and am still not able to get pregnant? My mind won't shut up! And I know it's normal to be thinking like this, but I just wish mom was still here so I could talk to her. She would understand like no other person on this earth!
I'm so tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for a change. But that won't happen. I've dealt with things like this before and my husband and his family hasn't, so I'm the one reassuring them and informing them. I'll be the one to calm Chad down when he isn't sure how to handle this.
I am basically a ticking time bomb and that is the worst feeling ever. I have a chance to be proactive, but now I have to find a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and an oncologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a gynocologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a primary doctor because my doctor doesn't know anything about this and "terminated the doctor patient relationship", his words, not mine. I still have to deal with insurance and doctors fees and MRI fees and everything else this is going to add to my financial plate. As if I wasn't in debt already! So much for owning a house one day. Thank God for insurance covering this, or I wouldn't be able to have children and I probably wouldn't be alive in 10 years because I can't afford the surgeries on my own.
All through this I have to go to work and pretend like none of this bothers me. I have to put on a smile and act like everything is hunky dorey and that I'm not a wreck inside. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. The problem with that, is it would scare Chad. Oh and I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I've gone through pretty much all of the emotions. I've been sad, depressed, angry, lonely and scared. My fear and anger come out as irritibility and poor Chad gets snapped at on occasion and he just doesn't understand why. I try to tell him not to take it so personally and that I'm sensitive right now and he just shuts down. I want him to talk to me and try to make me laugh, but I don't think I'm ready for the laughter yet. I am very blessed to have him and his family though. They have been great! And I am pretty glad I have a husband with a sense of humor. Making light of the fact that I'll have perky boobs for life is pretty funny!
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