Saturday, December 18, 2010

Life without Mom

Before my mom died, she wanted to write each of us letters for each big moment we would have in life. Marriage, births, graduation etc. She wanted to give us advice for these sistuations even though she couldn't be there for them. Again, seems kind of morbid, but it was something we would treasure.

Unfortunately, her time ran out before she could write much, but the Christmas after she died ended up holding something even more special. She had done some shopping while in Seattle so we had several gifts from her that Christmas. She got me a porcelin mask that is something I still have and is very special to me. We got a letter and a piece of jewelry of her's that she had picked out. I still have the letter and piece of jewelry. It meant so much to get those things from her. It just showed us how much she cared for us. Needless to say it was a very emotional Christmas. And Christmas' after that just didn't seem to measure up or compare.

I was a Sophmore in High School when she died, and I really don't remember much of my junior or senior year. It was pretty much a blur. I was depressed for a very long time and just couldn't get out of that deep dark hole! It really sucked! I still did pretty well in school, and actually won an awared for doing so well during such trying times. It was an honor, but I was too numb to really care. I just went through the motions. I even ended up going to college for a time, but ended up dropping out because I wasn't applying myself and felt like I was taking government money and not using it fairly.

I remember thinking that I was probably going to have the same fate. Mom had died before she was 40 and her mom had died before she was 40, so I felt like I didn't have much life left to live, so I tried to make the most of it. I ended up partying a lot and going through the next 4 years in a blur of drinking and even trying pot. I even started smoking cigarettes! Something that I couldn't believe I started! Somehow, in a twisted way, it brought me closer to mom. The smell of it alone brought back memories of her.

Then I met my future husband and moved to the TriCities. We got married in June of 2007. Ten years after mom had died. I continued on my destructive path and ended up getting addicted to pot and depressed again! I was married (something I thought would never happen to me) and still miserable. I ended up going to see a counselor who convinced me to quit smoking pot and I've been sober for 2 years now. I even gave up drinking and haven't had a drink in over a year. It feels good to be sober and not run away from my emotions. I'm giving up cigarettes in a couple of weeks. Hubby and I are going to quit together. I feel like I already have so much against me, it's time to stop being so destructive. My food addiction is something deeply rooted, but I am working on that as well.

I have a lot of unresolved emotions yet to deal with. I hope to keep moving through them in a healthy way.

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