I am truly a survivor of cancer. In my family, that's a big deal!
While I want to be grateful to be alive (and I am), I still feel robbed of my womanhood. I was robbed of part of my childhood, and now I am robbed of part of my womanhood, too. It's really depressing. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry and other times I want to shout out how angry I am. I do not cast blame. I learned not to do that years ago, because blaming others or God makes me a victim, and I am no victim.
Without anyone to blame, who do I point my anger and frustration at; the world and the one closest to me, my husband. Chad has been through so much with me. He hadn't dealt with anything like this before and he felt really helpless. I would cry and all he could do is hold my hand. I'm sure he felt like that wasn't enough, but it was everything to me. To know that I had someone to walk through this with was such a relief. I think that's half the issue, feeling so alone. That's why there are so many support groups online, because no one should ever be alone while going through cancer.
So, now that I can't have any babies, what do I do with my life? That's what I keep repeating over and over in my head. I want to adopt, but that has it's own set of issues and I can't focus on that right now. I still have to make sure that I am proactive about my BRCA 1 gene. That means trips to Seattle and dealing with doctors and another surgery. I also want to make sure that my cancer isn't going to come back. I think that is a separate fear that is one that will be hard to get over. I don't want to adopt a baby and then find out my cancer's back and then Chad has to raise a kid all by himself. That's still something we need to discuss. I also think too much sometimes, so Chad will tell me if I'm being sill to wait or not.
It's just so crazy to think that 5 months ago my life was normal (as normal as can be, that is) and now it's not so normal. I think my day to day activities are still normal, but my way of thinking is different. I have a new appreciation for life and people who go through cancer. I have a new set of fears that I didn't have before. I will have to get a child through different means. I have to be careful what I eat, and how much stress I have because both can cause cancer to come back or to strike again. So, I put on my happy face and act like nothing happened so I can get through my day. And for the most part I am happy, happy to be alive and doing well at work and happy to have turned another year older! But some days are harder, harder to keep that happy face and harder to be positive that I will turn another year older. But I won't let my fear keep me down! I have too much life left to live for that to happen!
Thank you God for helping me get through each day, for giving me strength when I didn't have any left, for giving me peace when I was in turmoil, for giving me a husband that was and still is there for me, for giving me wisdom to know that this is making me stronger for the days ahead. I love you and your son Jesus Christ! Amen!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Previvor no more
I know it's been quite awhile since I last updated my blog. Lots of things have happened since I last updated. I haven't gotten far on my proactive previvor journey, although I am still here. I can no longer be called a previvor however, because I was diagnosed with Stage 1C Uterine Cancer back in March.
It all started with me nearly bleeding to death. If it weren't for an emergency D&C that was necessary to stop the bleeding, I might not be here and I might also have a different prognosis. I don't live thinking about the "what if's" though, so I will tell you that I am very, very lucky to still be here. Anyways, the D&C was what caught the cancer early enough that it didn't spread. I had a complete hystorectomy, including ovaries, tubes and cervix. Now that might seem extreme to most, but for me it was necessary. I don't have the best genes for dealing with cancer, so it was out with everything now or wait and need surgery again in the future.
Then, after I did some healing, I went to see a Radiology Oncologist to see about getting the three internal radiation treatements that my surgeon had recommended. I almost had to have Chemotherapy (the lymphnodes were clear), so three radiation treatments seemed like nothing and I was relieved and ready to get them over with. Well, of course with me, I wasn't so lucky and had to endure 6 weeks of daily radiation treatements; 25 external and 3 internal. The doctor said that I was young and that the pathology report sent over from the surgeon showed movement present which meant that the cancer was on its way to the lympnodes. Until then I had no idea how truly lucky I was. So I accepted the 6 weeks of radiation and went back to work after 1 week of treatement. I am young, so I endured it pretty well. Digestion irritation, and some minor burns and some pretty heavy duty fatigue was all I got hit with and I recouped in about 2 months.
Losing my ovaries was the hardest part of all of this and the most difficult experience I've ever gone through (except losing my mom of course). I had just found out that I carry the BRCA 1 gene in November 2010 and then 3 months later I'm diagnosed with a cancer that came out of no where and has nothing to do with my defective gene. They are saying that it is linked to breast cancer though, so I will have to be very careful to watch my breasts. I already knew this, so at least that wasn't a shock.
Some people say that it doesn't even look like I went through anything. Those people are only friends of course. Spend one full day or even two full days with me and you'll likely see my irritibility, mood swings, crying jags and anything else that menopause causes. Oh yeah, the hot flashes are fun.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I was just battling for my life. And I can tell you now that I am truly a survivor and I hope and pray that I can always tell you that!
It all started with me nearly bleeding to death. If it weren't for an emergency D&C that was necessary to stop the bleeding, I might not be here and I might also have a different prognosis. I don't live thinking about the "what if's" though, so I will tell you that I am very, very lucky to still be here. Anyways, the D&C was what caught the cancer early enough that it didn't spread. I had a complete hystorectomy, including ovaries, tubes and cervix. Now that might seem extreme to most, but for me it was necessary. I don't have the best genes for dealing with cancer, so it was out with everything now or wait and need surgery again in the future.
Then, after I did some healing, I went to see a Radiology Oncologist to see about getting the three internal radiation treatements that my surgeon had recommended. I almost had to have Chemotherapy (the lymphnodes were clear), so three radiation treatments seemed like nothing and I was relieved and ready to get them over with. Well, of course with me, I wasn't so lucky and had to endure 6 weeks of daily radiation treatements; 25 external and 3 internal. The doctor said that I was young and that the pathology report sent over from the surgeon showed movement present which meant that the cancer was on its way to the lympnodes. Until then I had no idea how truly lucky I was. So I accepted the 6 weeks of radiation and went back to work after 1 week of treatement. I am young, so I endured it pretty well. Digestion irritation, and some minor burns and some pretty heavy duty fatigue was all I got hit with and I recouped in about 2 months.
Losing my ovaries was the hardest part of all of this and the most difficult experience I've ever gone through (except losing my mom of course). I had just found out that I carry the BRCA 1 gene in November 2010 and then 3 months later I'm diagnosed with a cancer that came out of no where and has nothing to do with my defective gene. They are saying that it is linked to breast cancer though, so I will have to be very careful to watch my breasts. I already knew this, so at least that wasn't a shock.
Some people say that it doesn't even look like I went through anything. Those people are only friends of course. Spend one full day or even two full days with me and you'll likely see my irritibility, mood swings, crying jags and anything else that menopause causes. Oh yeah, the hot flashes are fun.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I was just battling for my life. And I can tell you now that I am truly a survivor and I hope and pray that I can always tell you that!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Roller Coaster Ride
Have you ever heard that expression "My emotions are like a roller coaster"? Well, that's how I have felt since I tested positive for the BRCA 1 mutated gene. I ignored the fact that I should get tested for 3 years and now that I know I'm positive, I don't know how to act. This mutated gene is freaking me out a little. I've always been worried about my breasts, but now I have to worry about my ovaries too! Basically, I have 5 good years left to have a child, so while everyone was saying "Ahh, you're young, don't worry about having kids yet. Enjoy being married," I was right to be worried. I knew in my gut that I would have less time than the normal woman. Heck, my mom was diagnosed with her breast cancer at age 31 and that was after having two kids! They say the more kids you have, the more it can help to decrease your chances of getting breast cancer. Yeah, right! Tell that to my mother!
Before I get too far, I want to explain what decisions I have made. I have quite a few options. I could take a drug every day for 5 years (it's called Chemoprevention), I could do survellience, a combination of survellience and Chemoprevention, or I could have surgery to remove my breasts and ovaries (Prophylactic Mastectomy and Prophylactic Oophorectomy). I've decided to have my breast tissue removed. I'm not sure on the exact procedure that I will have done, but I know I want the nipple sparring procedure. It has the best cosmetic outcome and still reduces my risk by 90%. Once I have this surgery and have healed, I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby. Once I am done with having kids, or once I hit 35, I'm going to have my ovaries removed. Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because it usually has no symptoms until in its later stages, so the sooner I have them removed, the better. The reason I'm having my breasts removed first is because I am taking no chances!
What I'm a little worried about is am I going to be able to have children? I want to do everything in my power to make that happen, but what if my body is against me and I am doomed to never experience the one thing that makes a woman, a woman? I know that I have to have faith and trust in what God has planned for me and I do, but there is always that doubt inside that says things like "What person in their right mind would be selfish enough to bring a child into this world that would have a 50/50 chance of getting this gene?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to have children because I won't be here to raise them." There are so many "what ifs." What if I have my breasts removed and then I get cancer in my ovaries? What if I have a child and then get cancer and die? What if I have my ovaries removed and my breasts removed and am still not able to get pregnant? My mind won't shut up! And I know it's normal to be thinking like this, but I just wish mom was still here so I could talk to her. She would understand like no other person on this earth!
I'm so tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for a change. But that won't happen. I've dealt with things like this before and my husband and his family hasn't, so I'm the one reassuring them and informing them. I'll be the one to calm Chad down when he isn't sure how to handle this.
I am basically a ticking time bomb and that is the worst feeling ever. I have a chance to be proactive, but now I have to find a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and an oncologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a gynocologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a primary doctor because my doctor doesn't know anything about this and "terminated the doctor patient relationship", his words, not mine. I still have to deal with insurance and doctors fees and MRI fees and everything else this is going to add to my financial plate. As if I wasn't in debt already! So much for owning a house one day. Thank God for insurance covering this, or I wouldn't be able to have children and I probably wouldn't be alive in 10 years because I can't afford the surgeries on my own.
All through this I have to go to work and pretend like none of this bothers me. I have to put on a smile and act like everything is hunky dorey and that I'm not a wreck inside. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. The problem with that, is it would scare Chad. Oh and I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I've gone through pretty much all of the emotions. I've been sad, depressed, angry, lonely and scared. My fear and anger come out as irritibility and poor Chad gets snapped at on occasion and he just doesn't understand why. I try to tell him not to take it so personally and that I'm sensitive right now and he just shuts down. I want him to talk to me and try to make me laugh, but I don't think I'm ready for the laughter yet. I am very blessed to have him and his family though. They have been great! And I am pretty glad I have a husband with a sense of humor. Making light of the fact that I'll have perky boobs for life is pretty funny!
Before I get too far, I want to explain what decisions I have made. I have quite a few options. I could take a drug every day for 5 years (it's called Chemoprevention), I could do survellience, a combination of survellience and Chemoprevention, or I could have surgery to remove my breasts and ovaries (Prophylactic Mastectomy and Prophylactic Oophorectomy). I've decided to have my breast tissue removed. I'm not sure on the exact procedure that I will have done, but I know I want the nipple sparring procedure. It has the best cosmetic outcome and still reduces my risk by 90%. Once I have this surgery and have healed, I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby. Once I am done with having kids, or once I hit 35, I'm going to have my ovaries removed. Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because it usually has no symptoms until in its later stages, so the sooner I have them removed, the better. The reason I'm having my breasts removed first is because I am taking no chances!
What I'm a little worried about is am I going to be able to have children? I want to do everything in my power to make that happen, but what if my body is against me and I am doomed to never experience the one thing that makes a woman, a woman? I know that I have to have faith and trust in what God has planned for me and I do, but there is always that doubt inside that says things like "What person in their right mind would be selfish enough to bring a child into this world that would have a 50/50 chance of getting this gene?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to have children because I won't be here to raise them." There are so many "what ifs." What if I have my breasts removed and then I get cancer in my ovaries? What if I have a child and then get cancer and die? What if I have my ovaries removed and my breasts removed and am still not able to get pregnant? My mind won't shut up! And I know it's normal to be thinking like this, but I just wish mom was still here so I could talk to her. She would understand like no other person on this earth!
I'm so tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for a change. But that won't happen. I've dealt with things like this before and my husband and his family hasn't, so I'm the one reassuring them and informing them. I'll be the one to calm Chad down when he isn't sure how to handle this.
I am basically a ticking time bomb and that is the worst feeling ever. I have a chance to be proactive, but now I have to find a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and an oncologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a gynocologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a primary doctor because my doctor doesn't know anything about this and "terminated the doctor patient relationship", his words, not mine. I still have to deal with insurance and doctors fees and MRI fees and everything else this is going to add to my financial plate. As if I wasn't in debt already! So much for owning a house one day. Thank God for insurance covering this, or I wouldn't be able to have children and I probably wouldn't be alive in 10 years because I can't afford the surgeries on my own.
All through this I have to go to work and pretend like none of this bothers me. I have to put on a smile and act like everything is hunky dorey and that I'm not a wreck inside. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. The problem with that, is it would scare Chad. Oh and I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I've gone through pretty much all of the emotions. I've been sad, depressed, angry, lonely and scared. My fear and anger come out as irritibility and poor Chad gets snapped at on occasion and he just doesn't understand why. I try to tell him not to take it so personally and that I'm sensitive right now and he just shuts down. I want him to talk to me and try to make me laugh, but I don't think I'm ready for the laughter yet. I am very blessed to have him and his family though. They have been great! And I am pretty glad I have a husband with a sense of humor. Making light of the fact that I'll have perky boobs for life is pretty funny!
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