Survivor

I am truly a survivor of cancer. In my family, that's a big deal!

While I want to be grateful to be alive (and I am), I still feel robbed of my womanhood. I was robbed of part of my childhood, and now I am robbed of part of my womanhood, too. It's really depressing. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry and other times I want to shout out how angry I am. I do not cast blame. I learned not to do that years ago, because blaming others or God makes me a victim, and I am no victim.

Without anyone to blame, who do I point my anger and frustration at; the world and the one closest to me, my husband. Chad has been through so much with me. He hadn't  dealt with anything like this before and he felt really helpless. I would cry and all he could do is hold my hand. I'm sure he felt like that wasn't enough, but it was everything to me. To know that I had someone to walk through this with was such a relief. I think that's half the issue, feeling so alone. That's why there are so many support groups online, because no one should ever be alone while going through cancer.

So, now that I can't have any babies, what do I do with my life? That's what I keep repeating over and over in my head. I want to adopt, but that has it's own set of issues and I can't focus on that right now. I still have to make sure that I am proactive about my BRCA 1 gene. That means trips to Seattle and dealing with doctors and another surgery. I also want to make sure that my cancer isn't going to come back. I think that is a separate fear that is one that will be hard to get over. I don't want to adopt a baby and then find out my cancer's back and then Chad has to raise a kid all by himself. That's still something we need to discuss. I also think too much sometimes, so Chad will tell me if I'm being sill to wait or not.

It's just so crazy to think that 5 months ago my life was normal (as normal as can be, that is) and now it's not so normal. I think my day to day activities are still normal, but my way of thinking is different. I have a new appreciation for life and people who go through cancer. I have a new set of fears that I didn't have before. I will have to get a child through different means. I have to be careful what I eat, and how much stress I have because both can cause cancer to come back or to strike again. So, I put on my happy face and act like nothing happened so I can get through my day. And for the most part I am happy, happy to be alive and doing well at work and happy to have turned another year older! But some days are harder, harder to keep that happy face and harder to be positive that I will turn another year older. But I won't let my fear keep me down! I have too much life left to live for that to happen!

Thank you God for helping me get through each day, for giving me strength when I didn't have any left, for giving me peace when I was in turmoil, for giving me a husband that was and still is there for me, for giving me wisdom to know that this is making me stronger for the days ahead. I love you and your son Jesus Christ! Amen!