Friday, March 28, 2014

Here we go again...

It's been awhile since I last updated you all, so I figured now was a good a time as any, especially while I have some free time. I haven't had much of that lately, with school and work, but now that I am starting my fight to beat my cancer that has come back in my lungs, I will probably have more free time. Yep, you read right, my uterine cancer is back and it's in my lungs. I hate to admit that I think like this, but I was kind of expecting this to happen. I'm not normally a negative person, but somehow it just felt like I wasn't done with the uterine cancer just yet. Everyone has been so supportive and positive...saying things like..."You've got this!" and "You're so strong, you'll beat it!" and it helps to hear those things for awhile and then I get angry! Not at them mind you, but at the cancer! I want to yell and scream..."Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't it be someone else?" And then I realize that everyone feels that way about something in their life and what makes me any different. I'm just like everyone else.

I have to say that I'm really scared that I won't beat it this time. As positive as I am, this is still something that I'm thinking. What if I die? I would be okay with that of course, because I know where I'm going, but I would leave behind so many wonderful people! How could I be okay with leaving behind so many people who would be heartbroken if I died? Because this life is only temporary. This world is not my home, and I haven't felt at home here in quite awhile now. This world is full of hate, anger and bitterness that I can't handle. I will handle it if it is God's will, but if it isn't then good riddance! It probably scares you to know that's what I'm thinking. My mom told me right before she died to not cry for her, but cry for myself. I didn't understand her back then, but I understand now. She went to a better place and I was stuck on earth. So, if I should die, don't cry for me! I will be with Jesus and my Mom! 

The night before I went in for my first round of chemo, I had a dream. My mom came to me and held me while we sang in church. It is one of my favorite memories of her and it's hard for me to be in church without her now, so it was an amazing comfort to have her holding me and swaying with me while we sang together. The dream was very vivid and I didn't want to wake up from it. I know that she was with me to give me peace.

On the day of my first Chemo, my husband Chad insisted that we go to breakfast and all I kept thinking was "Huh, before chemo you want me to eat a big breakfast?" But he was insistent so I went with the intent on ordering a small breakfast and humoring him. What I found when I got to the restaurant was my sister, her kids and her husband all there to greet me! A few days before she had told me should wouldn't be able to make it down for spring break and was bummed, but she worked it out with Chad through Facebook to surprise me and boy was I surprised! I grabbed her in a big hug and cried! I didn't let her go for what seemed like several minutes! It was the best surprise I've ever had and it made the day that much less scary. She brought me a little care package with some tea and gum and hard candies and bath salts, all things to help me through all the side effects I am supposed to get. She's the best sister a girl could ever have!

I got to hug my niece and nephew too, which was the best medicine ever! They are so adorable! Kora colored a picture for me that is now hanging up on my fridge. Hayden was a bundle of energy of course, and so smart as usual! Kora can write her name now and they are both so beautiful!

I haven't had any nausea from the chemo yet, but they gave me some good drugs at the hospital. One of them lasts a full 5 days! I was very impressed. They told me it's a fairly new drug that will help me a lot. The day after my chemo I went back in for a Neulasta shot that will stimulate my white blood cells and give me some pretty severe bone and muscle pain. I've got some good pain meds for that, thank goodness. I've started to feel a little achy, but no bad pain yet.

My friend Shannon got us signed up for meal delivery through her church, so once a week we'll get a meal delivered so Chad doesn't have to cook and I can rest. She is such an amazing blessing to me. I love her so much! My friend Sharyn sat with me while I got chemo and then stayed with me at my house all day while Chad was at work, just to make sure I didn't feel too yucky or need help with anything. She is such a Godsend! She bought me a couple of caps and took me out to lunch and everything! It was a great day!

I've decided that I'm going to shave off my hair next Wednesday. I don't want to be too traumatized with it falling out, so I'll just take control and be proactive. I've already got two wigs from the cancer center and lots of hats and scarves. I've been watching tutorials on YouTube to get ready and everything! And of course, Chad is going to shave his head too! He'll sit right next to me and we'll do it together! What a guy! A couple friends will document the experience and I'll share that with you all on Facebook and on here if I can.

So, while I'm pretty scared because this cancer is Stage 4 and harder to treat, I'm staying pretty positive and trying to have fun with the hair loss part of things! Thanks for all the support and prayers! Love you all!



  2. I can't imagine the emotions you are going through. Praying for you and Chad. <3 *hugs*