It's been awhile since I last updated you all, so I figured now was a good a time as any, especially while I have some free time. I haven't had much of that lately, with school and work, but now that I am starting my fight to beat my cancer that has come back in my lungs, I will probably have more free time. Yep, you read right, my uterine cancer is back and it's in my lungs. I hate to admit that I think like this, but I was kind of expecting this to happen. I'm not normally a negative person, but somehow it just felt like I wasn't done with the uterine cancer just yet. Everyone has been so supportive and positive...saying things like..."You've got this!" and "You're so strong, you'll beat it!" and it helps to hear those things for awhile and then I get angry! Not at them mind you, but at the cancer! I want to yell and scream..."Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't it be someone else?" And then I realize that everyone feels that way about something in their life and what makes me any different. I'm just like everyone else.
I have to say that I'm really scared that I won't beat it this time. As positive as I am, this is still something that I'm thinking. What if I die? I would be okay with that of course, because I know where I'm going, but I would leave behind so many wonderful people! How could I be okay with leaving behind so many people who would be heartbroken if I died? Because this life is only temporary. This world is not my home, and I haven't felt at home here in quite awhile now. This world is full of hate, anger and bitterness that I can't handle. I will handle it if it is God's will, but if it isn't then good riddance! It probably scares you to know that's what I'm thinking. My mom told me right before she died to not cry for her, but cry for myself. I didn't understand her back then, but I understand now. She went to a better place and I was stuck on earth. So, if I should die, don't cry for me! I will be with Jesus and my Mom!
The night before I went in for my first round of chemo, I had a dream. My mom came to me and held me while we sang in church. It is one of my favorite memories of her and it's hard for me to be in church without her now, so it was an amazing comfort to have her holding me and swaying with me while we sang together. The dream was very vivid and I didn't want to wake up from it. I know that she was with me to give me peace.
On the day of my first Chemo, my husband Chad insisted that we go to breakfast and all I kept thinking was "Huh, before chemo you want me to eat a big breakfast?" But he was insistent so I went with the intent on ordering a small breakfast and humoring him. What I found when I got to the restaurant was my sister, her kids and her husband all there to greet me! A few days before she had told me should wouldn't be able to make it down for spring break and was bummed, but she worked it out with Chad through Facebook to surprise me and boy was I surprised! I grabbed her in a big hug and cried! I didn't let her go for what seemed like several minutes! It was the best surprise I've ever had and it made the day that much less scary. She brought me a little care package with some tea and gum and hard candies and bath salts, all things to help me through all the side effects I am supposed to get. She's the best sister a girl could ever have!
I got to hug my niece and nephew too, which was the best medicine ever! They are so adorable! Kora colored a picture for me that is now hanging up on my fridge. Hayden was a bundle of energy of course, and so smart as usual! Kora can write her name now and they are both so beautiful!
I haven't had any nausea from the chemo yet, but they gave me some good drugs at the hospital. One of them lasts a full 5 days! I was very impressed. They told me it's a fairly new drug that will help me a lot. The day after my chemo I went back in for a Neulasta shot that will stimulate my white blood cells and give me some pretty severe bone and muscle pain. I've got some good pain meds for that, thank goodness. I've started to feel a little achy, but no bad pain yet.
My friend Shannon got us signed up for meal delivery through her church, so once a week we'll get a meal delivered so Chad doesn't have to cook and I can rest. She is such an amazing blessing to me. I love her so much! My friend Sharyn sat with me while I got chemo and then stayed with me at my house all day while Chad was at work, just to make sure I didn't feel too yucky or need help with anything. She is such a Godsend! She bought me a couple of caps and took me out to lunch and everything! It was a great day!
I've decided that I'm going to shave off my hair next Wednesday. I don't want to be too traumatized with it falling out, so I'll just take control and be proactive. I've already got two wigs from the cancer center and lots of hats and scarves. I've been watching tutorials on YouTube to get ready and everything! And of course, Chad is going to shave his head too! He'll sit right next to me and we'll do it together! What a guy! A couple friends will document the experience and I'll share that with you all on Facebook and on here if I can.
So, while I'm pretty scared because this cancer is Stage 4 and harder to treat, I'm staying pretty positive and trying to have fun with the hair loss part of things! Thanks for all the support and prayers! Love you all!
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Survivor
I am truly a survivor of cancer. In my family, that's a big deal!
While I want to be grateful to be alive (and I am), I still feel robbed of my womanhood. I was robbed of part of my childhood, and now I am robbed of part of my womanhood, too. It's really depressing. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry and other times I want to shout out how angry I am. I do not cast blame. I learned not to do that years ago, because blaming others or God makes me a victim, and I am no victim.
Without anyone to blame, who do I point my anger and frustration at; the world and the one closest to me, my husband. Chad has been through so much with me. He hadn't dealt with anything like this before and he felt really helpless. I would cry and all he could do is hold my hand. I'm sure he felt like that wasn't enough, but it was everything to me. To know that I had someone to walk through this with was such a relief. I think that's half the issue, feeling so alone. That's why there are so many support groups online, because no one should ever be alone while going through cancer.
So, now that I can't have any babies, what do I do with my life? That's what I keep repeating over and over in my head. I want to adopt, but that has it's own set of issues and I can't focus on that right now. I still have to make sure that I am proactive about my BRCA 1 gene. That means trips to Seattle and dealing with doctors and another surgery. I also want to make sure that my cancer isn't going to come back. I think that is a separate fear that is one that will be hard to get over. I don't want to adopt a baby and then find out my cancer's back and then Chad has to raise a kid all by himself. That's still something we need to discuss. I also think too much sometimes, so Chad will tell me if I'm being sill to wait or not.
It's just so crazy to think that 5 months ago my life was normal (as normal as can be, that is) and now it's not so normal. I think my day to day activities are still normal, but my way of thinking is different. I have a new appreciation for life and people who go through cancer. I have a new set of fears that I didn't have before. I will have to get a child through different means. I have to be careful what I eat, and how much stress I have because both can cause cancer to come back or to strike again. So, I put on my happy face and act like nothing happened so I can get through my day. And for the most part I am happy, happy to be alive and doing well at work and happy to have turned another year older! But some days are harder, harder to keep that happy face and harder to be positive that I will turn another year older. But I won't let my fear keep me down! I have too much life left to live for that to happen!
Thank you God for helping me get through each day, for giving me strength when I didn't have any left, for giving me peace when I was in turmoil, for giving me a husband that was and still is there for me, for giving me wisdom to know that this is making me stronger for the days ahead. I love you and your son Jesus Christ! Amen!
While I want to be grateful to be alive (and I am), I still feel robbed of my womanhood. I was robbed of part of my childhood, and now I am robbed of part of my womanhood, too. It's really depressing. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry and other times I want to shout out how angry I am. I do not cast blame. I learned not to do that years ago, because blaming others or God makes me a victim, and I am no victim.
Without anyone to blame, who do I point my anger and frustration at; the world and the one closest to me, my husband. Chad has been through so much with me. He hadn't dealt with anything like this before and he felt really helpless. I would cry and all he could do is hold my hand. I'm sure he felt like that wasn't enough, but it was everything to me. To know that I had someone to walk through this with was such a relief. I think that's half the issue, feeling so alone. That's why there are so many support groups online, because no one should ever be alone while going through cancer.
So, now that I can't have any babies, what do I do with my life? That's what I keep repeating over and over in my head. I want to adopt, but that has it's own set of issues and I can't focus on that right now. I still have to make sure that I am proactive about my BRCA 1 gene. That means trips to Seattle and dealing with doctors and another surgery. I also want to make sure that my cancer isn't going to come back. I think that is a separate fear that is one that will be hard to get over. I don't want to adopt a baby and then find out my cancer's back and then Chad has to raise a kid all by himself. That's still something we need to discuss. I also think too much sometimes, so Chad will tell me if I'm being sill to wait or not.
It's just so crazy to think that 5 months ago my life was normal (as normal as can be, that is) and now it's not so normal. I think my day to day activities are still normal, but my way of thinking is different. I have a new appreciation for life and people who go through cancer. I have a new set of fears that I didn't have before. I will have to get a child through different means. I have to be careful what I eat, and how much stress I have because both can cause cancer to come back or to strike again. So, I put on my happy face and act like nothing happened so I can get through my day. And for the most part I am happy, happy to be alive and doing well at work and happy to have turned another year older! But some days are harder, harder to keep that happy face and harder to be positive that I will turn another year older. But I won't let my fear keep me down! I have too much life left to live for that to happen!
Thank you God for helping me get through each day, for giving me strength when I didn't have any left, for giving me peace when I was in turmoil, for giving me a husband that was and still is there for me, for giving me wisdom to know that this is making me stronger for the days ahead. I love you and your son Jesus Christ! Amen!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Previvor no more
I know it's been quite awhile since I last updated my blog. Lots of things have happened since I last updated. I haven't gotten far on my proactive previvor journey, although I am still here. I can no longer be called a previvor however, because I was diagnosed with Stage 1C Uterine Cancer back in March.
It all started with me nearly bleeding to death. If it weren't for an emergency D&C that was necessary to stop the bleeding, I might not be here and I might also have a different prognosis. I don't live thinking about the "what if's" though, so I will tell you that I am very, very lucky to still be here. Anyways, the D&C was what caught the cancer early enough that it didn't spread. I had a complete hystorectomy, including ovaries, tubes and cervix. Now that might seem extreme to most, but for me it was necessary. I don't have the best genes for dealing with cancer, so it was out with everything now or wait and need surgery again in the future.
Then, after I did some healing, I went to see a Radiology Oncologist to see about getting the three internal radiation treatements that my surgeon had recommended. I almost had to have Chemotherapy (the lymphnodes were clear), so three radiation treatments seemed like nothing and I was relieved and ready to get them over with. Well, of course with me, I wasn't so lucky and had to endure 6 weeks of daily radiation treatements; 25 external and 3 internal. The doctor said that I was young and that the pathology report sent over from the surgeon showed movement present which meant that the cancer was on its way to the lympnodes. Until then I had no idea how truly lucky I was. So I accepted the 6 weeks of radiation and went back to work after 1 week of treatement. I am young, so I endured it pretty well. Digestion irritation, and some minor burns and some pretty heavy duty fatigue was all I got hit with and I recouped in about 2 months.
Losing my ovaries was the hardest part of all of this and the most difficult experience I've ever gone through (except losing my mom of course). I had just found out that I carry the BRCA 1 gene in November 2010 and then 3 months later I'm diagnosed with a cancer that came out of no where and has nothing to do with my defective gene. They are saying that it is linked to breast cancer though, so I will have to be very careful to watch my breasts. I already knew this, so at least that wasn't a shock.
Some people say that it doesn't even look like I went through anything. Those people are only friends of course. Spend one full day or even two full days with me and you'll likely see my irritibility, mood swings, crying jags and anything else that menopause causes. Oh yeah, the hot flashes are fun.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I was just battling for my life. And I can tell you now that I am truly a survivor and I hope and pray that I can always tell you that!
It all started with me nearly bleeding to death. If it weren't for an emergency D&C that was necessary to stop the bleeding, I might not be here and I might also have a different prognosis. I don't live thinking about the "what if's" though, so I will tell you that I am very, very lucky to still be here. Anyways, the D&C was what caught the cancer early enough that it didn't spread. I had a complete hystorectomy, including ovaries, tubes and cervix. Now that might seem extreme to most, but for me it was necessary. I don't have the best genes for dealing with cancer, so it was out with everything now or wait and need surgery again in the future.
Then, after I did some healing, I went to see a Radiology Oncologist to see about getting the three internal radiation treatements that my surgeon had recommended. I almost had to have Chemotherapy (the lymphnodes were clear), so three radiation treatments seemed like nothing and I was relieved and ready to get them over with. Well, of course with me, I wasn't so lucky and had to endure 6 weeks of daily radiation treatements; 25 external and 3 internal. The doctor said that I was young and that the pathology report sent over from the surgeon showed movement present which meant that the cancer was on its way to the lympnodes. Until then I had no idea how truly lucky I was. So I accepted the 6 weeks of radiation and went back to work after 1 week of treatement. I am young, so I endured it pretty well. Digestion irritation, and some minor burns and some pretty heavy duty fatigue was all I got hit with and I recouped in about 2 months.
Losing my ovaries was the hardest part of all of this and the most difficult experience I've ever gone through (except losing my mom of course). I had just found out that I carry the BRCA 1 gene in November 2010 and then 3 months later I'm diagnosed with a cancer that came out of no where and has nothing to do with my defective gene. They are saying that it is linked to breast cancer though, so I will have to be very careful to watch my breasts. I already knew this, so at least that wasn't a shock.
Some people say that it doesn't even look like I went through anything. Those people are only friends of course. Spend one full day or even two full days with me and you'll likely see my irritibility, mood swings, crying jags and anything else that menopause causes. Oh yeah, the hot flashes are fun.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, I was just battling for my life. And I can tell you now that I am truly a survivor and I hope and pray that I can always tell you that!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Roller Coaster Ride
Have you ever heard that expression "My emotions are like a roller coaster"? Well, that's how I have felt since I tested positive for the BRCA 1 mutated gene. I ignored the fact that I should get tested for 3 years and now that I know I'm positive, I don't know how to act. This mutated gene is freaking me out a little. I've always been worried about my breasts, but now I have to worry about my ovaries too! Basically, I have 5 good years left to have a child, so while everyone was saying "Ahh, you're young, don't worry about having kids yet. Enjoy being married," I was right to be worried. I knew in my gut that I would have less time than the normal woman. Heck, my mom was diagnosed with her breast cancer at age 31 and that was after having two kids! They say the more kids you have, the more it can help to decrease your chances of getting breast cancer. Yeah, right! Tell that to my mother!
Before I get too far, I want to explain what decisions I have made. I have quite a few options. I could take a drug every day for 5 years (it's called Chemoprevention), I could do survellience, a combination of survellience and Chemoprevention, or I could have surgery to remove my breasts and ovaries (Prophylactic Mastectomy and Prophylactic Oophorectomy). I've decided to have my breast tissue removed. I'm not sure on the exact procedure that I will have done, but I know I want the nipple sparring procedure. It has the best cosmetic outcome and still reduces my risk by 90%. Once I have this surgery and have healed, I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby. Once I am done with having kids, or once I hit 35, I'm going to have my ovaries removed. Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because it usually has no symptoms until in its later stages, so the sooner I have them removed, the better. The reason I'm having my breasts removed first is because I am taking no chances!
What I'm a little worried about is am I going to be able to have children? I want to do everything in my power to make that happen, but what if my body is against me and I am doomed to never experience the one thing that makes a woman, a woman? I know that I have to have faith and trust in what God has planned for me and I do, but there is always that doubt inside that says things like "What person in their right mind would be selfish enough to bring a child into this world that would have a 50/50 chance of getting this gene?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to have children because I won't be here to raise them." There are so many "what ifs." What if I have my breasts removed and then I get cancer in my ovaries? What if I have a child and then get cancer and die? What if I have my ovaries removed and my breasts removed and am still not able to get pregnant? My mind won't shut up! And I know it's normal to be thinking like this, but I just wish mom was still here so I could talk to her. She would understand like no other person on this earth!
I'm so tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for a change. But that won't happen. I've dealt with things like this before and my husband and his family hasn't, so I'm the one reassuring them and informing them. I'll be the one to calm Chad down when he isn't sure how to handle this.
I am basically a ticking time bomb and that is the worst feeling ever. I have a chance to be proactive, but now I have to find a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and an oncologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a gynocologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a primary doctor because my doctor doesn't know anything about this and "terminated the doctor patient relationship", his words, not mine. I still have to deal with insurance and doctors fees and MRI fees and everything else this is going to add to my financial plate. As if I wasn't in debt already! So much for owning a house one day. Thank God for insurance covering this, or I wouldn't be able to have children and I probably wouldn't be alive in 10 years because I can't afford the surgeries on my own.
All through this I have to go to work and pretend like none of this bothers me. I have to put on a smile and act like everything is hunky dorey and that I'm not a wreck inside. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. The problem with that, is it would scare Chad. Oh and I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I've gone through pretty much all of the emotions. I've been sad, depressed, angry, lonely and scared. My fear and anger come out as irritibility and poor Chad gets snapped at on occasion and he just doesn't understand why. I try to tell him not to take it so personally and that I'm sensitive right now and he just shuts down. I want him to talk to me and try to make me laugh, but I don't think I'm ready for the laughter yet. I am very blessed to have him and his family though. They have been great! And I am pretty glad I have a husband with a sense of humor. Making light of the fact that I'll have perky boobs for life is pretty funny!
Before I get too far, I want to explain what decisions I have made. I have quite a few options. I could take a drug every day for 5 years (it's called Chemoprevention), I could do survellience, a combination of survellience and Chemoprevention, or I could have surgery to remove my breasts and ovaries (Prophylactic Mastectomy and Prophylactic Oophorectomy). I've decided to have my breast tissue removed. I'm not sure on the exact procedure that I will have done, but I know I want the nipple sparring procedure. It has the best cosmetic outcome and still reduces my risk by 90%. Once I have this surgery and have healed, I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby. Once I am done with having kids, or once I hit 35, I'm going to have my ovaries removed. Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because it usually has no symptoms until in its later stages, so the sooner I have them removed, the better. The reason I'm having my breasts removed first is because I am taking no chances!
What I'm a little worried about is am I going to be able to have children? I want to do everything in my power to make that happen, but what if my body is against me and I am doomed to never experience the one thing that makes a woman, a woman? I know that I have to have faith and trust in what God has planned for me and I do, but there is always that doubt inside that says things like "What person in their right mind would be selfish enough to bring a child into this world that would have a 50/50 chance of getting this gene?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to have children because I won't be here to raise them." There are so many "what ifs." What if I have my breasts removed and then I get cancer in my ovaries? What if I have a child and then get cancer and die? What if I have my ovaries removed and my breasts removed and am still not able to get pregnant? My mind won't shut up! And I know it's normal to be thinking like this, but I just wish mom was still here so I could talk to her. She would understand like no other person on this earth!
I'm so tired of being strong. I want someone else to be strong for a change. But that won't happen. I've dealt with things like this before and my husband and his family hasn't, so I'm the one reassuring them and informing them. I'll be the one to calm Chad down when he isn't sure how to handle this.
I am basically a ticking time bomb and that is the worst feeling ever. I have a chance to be proactive, but now I have to find a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and an oncologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a gynocologist. Oh yeah, I also have to find a primary doctor because my doctor doesn't know anything about this and "terminated the doctor patient relationship", his words, not mine. I still have to deal with insurance and doctors fees and MRI fees and everything else this is going to add to my financial plate. As if I wasn't in debt already! So much for owning a house one day. Thank God for insurance covering this, or I wouldn't be able to have children and I probably wouldn't be alive in 10 years because I can't afford the surgeries on my own.
All through this I have to go to work and pretend like none of this bothers me. I have to put on a smile and act like everything is hunky dorey and that I'm not a wreck inside. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. The problem with that, is it would scare Chad. Oh and I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I've gone through pretty much all of the emotions. I've been sad, depressed, angry, lonely and scared. My fear and anger come out as irritibility and poor Chad gets snapped at on occasion and he just doesn't understand why. I try to tell him not to take it so personally and that I'm sensitive right now and he just shuts down. I want him to talk to me and try to make me laugh, but I don't think I'm ready for the laughter yet. I am very blessed to have him and his family though. They have been great! And I am pretty glad I have a husband with a sense of humor. Making light of the fact that I'll have perky boobs for life is pretty funny!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
BRCA 1 Testing and Results
My sister Gina has been my true inspiration to get tested. Her testing and positive result made this very real for both of us. I realized with me being older that it was time to take action and get the testing done so I knew. It was scary enough not knowing and thinking I could get cancer and even more scary to know for sure what my odds were.
I'm a person that really fears the unknown, although I have gotten better through the years. I used to fear doing anything for the first time and that fear used to stop me in my tracks. Now, I just plunge ahead through the fear. Getting the appointment scheduled wasn't hard, but going to talk to the genetic counselor was a little harder. It meant talking about my past and admitting outloud that I was scared, and I had to do this with a complete stranger.
At the genetic couselor's office, I mapped out my family tree and explained my fears. The counselor understood and was very intent on getting me tested. She provided some facts and odds of me having the mutated gene. I had heard most of the odds already from my sister, but it was nice to hear that everything was the same. She told me that I had a 50/50 chance of having the gene. If I had the gene, then I would have an 87% chance of developing breast cancer in my lifetime and a 44% chance of developing ovarian cancer in my lifetime. Super scary to think about because I haven't even had kids yet. Everyone says "You're so young, you have time to have kids!" But I might not have time.
So, the counselor says I just have to have blood taken and the results come back in 2 weeks. I make an appointment for two weeks from then and then go to get my blood taken. It was very easy.
I was a nervous wreck for two weeks waiting for that results appointment to come. Then, I find out that the insurance company required more paperwork and delayed the testing, therefore they delayed the results. I ended up getting my results on the day before Thanksgiving.
As I walked into the hospital to get my results, I felt doomed. I don't know why, I just felt like it was going to be bad news. Chad, my husband, was with me and just instinctively knew I needed some assurance. He told me that no matter what happens, it will be okay. I chuckled and said I hope so.
The counselor comes and gets me and we go back to her office. We sit and she tells me that she printed out my results that morning and they are positive for the mutated gene. I almost didn't hear her. I had to repeat what she said and then everything just went blurry. I couldn't keep the tears from dropping. Chad grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed. The counselor got me some tissue and told me very firmly that it's not a cancer diagnosis and that having the knowlege of this is very powerful. I can do something about it before I get cancer. I'm now in a new generation of women who can be proactive like no other generation.
I don't feel very powerful, but I refuse to be a victim! I have very important decisions to make! More on those decisions later...
I'm a person that really fears the unknown, although I have gotten better through the years. I used to fear doing anything for the first time and that fear used to stop me in my tracks. Now, I just plunge ahead through the fear. Getting the appointment scheduled wasn't hard, but going to talk to the genetic counselor was a little harder. It meant talking about my past and admitting outloud that I was scared, and I had to do this with a complete stranger.
At the genetic couselor's office, I mapped out my family tree and explained my fears. The counselor understood and was very intent on getting me tested. She provided some facts and odds of me having the mutated gene. I had heard most of the odds already from my sister, but it was nice to hear that everything was the same. She told me that I had a 50/50 chance of having the gene. If I had the gene, then I would have an 87% chance of developing breast cancer in my lifetime and a 44% chance of developing ovarian cancer in my lifetime. Super scary to think about because I haven't even had kids yet. Everyone says "You're so young, you have time to have kids!" But I might not have time.
So, the counselor says I just have to have blood taken and the results come back in 2 weeks. I make an appointment for two weeks from then and then go to get my blood taken. It was very easy.
I was a nervous wreck for two weeks waiting for that results appointment to come. Then, I find out that the insurance company required more paperwork and delayed the testing, therefore they delayed the results. I ended up getting my results on the day before Thanksgiving.
As I walked into the hospital to get my results, I felt doomed. I don't know why, I just felt like it was going to be bad news. Chad, my husband, was with me and just instinctively knew I needed some assurance. He told me that no matter what happens, it will be okay. I chuckled and said I hope so.
The counselor comes and gets me and we go back to her office. We sit and she tells me that she printed out my results that morning and they are positive for the mutated gene. I almost didn't hear her. I had to repeat what she said and then everything just went blurry. I couldn't keep the tears from dropping. Chad grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed. The counselor got me some tissue and told me very firmly that it's not a cancer diagnosis and that having the knowlege of this is very powerful. I can do something about it before I get cancer. I'm now in a new generation of women who can be proactive like no other generation.
I don't feel very powerful, but I refuse to be a victim! I have very important decisions to make! More on those decisions later...
Life without Mom
Before my mom died, she wanted to write each of us letters for each big moment we would have in life. Marriage, births, graduation etc. She wanted to give us advice for these sistuations even though she couldn't be there for them. Again, seems kind of morbid, but it was something we would treasure.
Unfortunately, her time ran out before she could write much, but the Christmas after she died ended up holding something even more special. She had done some shopping while in Seattle so we had several gifts from her that Christmas. She got me a porcelin mask that is something I still have and is very special to me. We got a letter and a piece of jewelry of her's that she had picked out. I still have the letter and piece of jewelry. It meant so much to get those things from her. It just showed us how much she cared for us. Needless to say it was a very emotional Christmas. And Christmas' after that just didn't seem to measure up or compare.
I was a Sophmore in High School when she died, and I really don't remember much of my junior or senior year. It was pretty much a blur. I was depressed for a very long time and just couldn't get out of that deep dark hole! It really sucked! I still did pretty well in school, and actually won an awared for doing so well during such trying times. It was an honor, but I was too numb to really care. I just went through the motions. I even ended up going to college for a time, but ended up dropping out because I wasn't applying myself and felt like I was taking government money and not using it fairly.
I remember thinking that I was probably going to have the same fate. Mom had died before she was 40 and her mom had died before she was 40, so I felt like I didn't have much life left to live, so I tried to make the most of it. I ended up partying a lot and going through the next 4 years in a blur of drinking and even trying pot. I even started smoking cigarettes! Something that I couldn't believe I started! Somehow, in a twisted way, it brought me closer to mom. The smell of it alone brought back memories of her.
Then I met my future husband and moved to the TriCities. We got married in June of 2007. Ten years after mom had died. I continued on my destructive path and ended up getting addicted to pot and depressed again! I was married (something I thought would never happen to me) and still miserable. I ended up going to see a counselor who convinced me to quit smoking pot and I've been sober for 2 years now. I even gave up drinking and haven't had a drink in over a year. It feels good to be sober and not run away from my emotions. I'm giving up cigarettes in a couple of weeks. Hubby and I are going to quit together. I feel like I already have so much against me, it's time to stop being so destructive. My food addiction is something deeply rooted, but I am working on that as well.
I have a lot of unresolved emotions yet to deal with. I hope to keep moving through them in a healthy way.
Unfortunately, her time ran out before she could write much, but the Christmas after she died ended up holding something even more special. She had done some shopping while in Seattle so we had several gifts from her that Christmas. She got me a porcelin mask that is something I still have and is very special to me. We got a letter and a piece of jewelry of her's that she had picked out. I still have the letter and piece of jewelry. It meant so much to get those things from her. It just showed us how much she cared for us. Needless to say it was a very emotional Christmas. And Christmas' after that just didn't seem to measure up or compare.
I was a Sophmore in High School when she died, and I really don't remember much of my junior or senior year. It was pretty much a blur. I was depressed for a very long time and just couldn't get out of that deep dark hole! It really sucked! I still did pretty well in school, and actually won an awared for doing so well during such trying times. It was an honor, but I was too numb to really care. I just went through the motions. I even ended up going to college for a time, but ended up dropping out because I wasn't applying myself and felt like I was taking government money and not using it fairly.
I remember thinking that I was probably going to have the same fate. Mom had died before she was 40 and her mom had died before she was 40, so I felt like I didn't have much life left to live, so I tried to make the most of it. I ended up partying a lot and going through the next 4 years in a blur of drinking and even trying pot. I even started smoking cigarettes! Something that I couldn't believe I started! Somehow, in a twisted way, it brought me closer to mom. The smell of it alone brought back memories of her.
Then I met my future husband and moved to the TriCities. We got married in June of 2007. Ten years after mom had died. I continued on my destructive path and ended up getting addicted to pot and depressed again! I was married (something I thought would never happen to me) and still miserable. I ended up going to see a counselor who convinced me to quit smoking pot and I've been sober for 2 years now. I even gave up drinking and haven't had a drink in over a year. It feels good to be sober and not run away from my emotions. I'm giving up cigarettes in a couple of weeks. Hubby and I are going to quit together. I feel like I already have so much against me, it's time to stop being so destructive. My food addiction is something deeply rooted, but I am working on that as well.
I have a lot of unresolved emotions yet to deal with. I hope to keep moving through them in a healthy way.
Mother
So, I have to start at the beginning so you understand where this all started. It's fitting that I start with my mother, since she is the one that gave me my beginning.
Geraldine Lee Williams was her name, and she was the strongest woman I ever knew. Yes, she's no longer with us. She lost her battle with cancer and left me, my younger sister, younger brother and step dad behind in this life that is full of uncertainty. Now that I'm older (I was 16 when she died) I am glad that she doesn't have to live in this uncertain world. She told me right before she died to not cry for her, but for myself. If only she knew that I was crying for myself. I was crying because I would miss her of course, but I was also never going to have my mother to share life's most important mile stones with. She wouldn't see me graduate from high school, get married or be there with me as I give birth. There were so many questions left unanswered and we just ran out of time.
She was first diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in grade school. I remember she sat me down after school one day and said that she had found a lump in her breast and the doctors had confirmed that it was cancer. I knew that her mother, my grandmother had died from breast cancer, so I was really scared. She said that women beat breast cancer every day and explained that she had caught it early so she had a good chance to beat it. I didn't know what was in store for our family, but I knew that it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. My sister was 4 years younger than me, so she wanted to tell me first so I could help break the news to her. I think Gina was too young to understand everything, but she was perceptive enough to know that this was not good and that mom was scared too.
My mom and dad had divorced prior to this happening, so my sister and I felt really vulnerable. I found out later that my mom was scared to tell us, because we had finally settled in at Randy's house (my mom's boy friend at the time) and she was terrified to scare us. She never kept anything from us, and knew that if she kept this from us it would cause more harm than good.
I remember seeing her get sick after going through rounds of chemo. I remember her hair falling out and her letting my sister shave her head so she could get some wigs. I remember being responsible for cleaning and cooking even though I was in grade school. I went through emotions of resentment and anger, but I was glad that I could be mom's helper. I think that's why I am so nurturing now, and why I am desperate to finally be a mother myself.
My mom finally got done with chemo and was in remission. Her and Randy got married the summer before I entered middle school. Mom wanted us to be in the wedding and we were proud to get to share her day with her. Life was great! They bought a houseboat and fixed it up and ended up taking their honeymoon on Lake Cour'de Lane. Gina and I had many birthdays out on that houseboat! We had many fun summers!
Then things changed. Mom wanted to give Randy a child. He had never had kids or been married before, so it was important for her to give him what he had never had. The problem was, the doctors had told her that having a baby might cause the cancer to come back. My mom went ahead with her plans despite what the doctors told her. She was very determined to beat the odds! The first pregnancy didn't go as planned and she miscarried after 2 months. Then she got pregnant with my brother RJ. This pregnancy didn't go as planned either, but she carried him almost to term. A month before he was due, they induced labor because my mom's back spasms were unbarable and the doctors were concerned about what they might find. Their concerns were valid. The cancer had come back, but this time it was in her bonemarrow.
Now comes treatment. At the time, I didn't know what her odds were to beat the cancer, but I should have known they were low because we never discussed it like we did with the breast cancer. She didn't want to worry me. I had just started high school, so she wanted things to be as normal as possible for me. The doctors told her that she had a 30% chance to beat it if she went at it agressively. She decided to do the most agressive thing she could, and that was to have a bone marrow transplant. This would require her to move to Seattle for months at a time to undergo treatment. It was experimental because they weren't using someone else's bone marrow, they were treating hers and putting it back. She ended up having a double bone marrow transplant which took a total of a year and a half. The excruciating pain that she must have gone through makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
After her treatment, she came home. She looked pretty good for someone who had gone through all she went through. She had lost her hair again and was pretty thin, but she was in good spirits and happy to be home to spend Christmas with her family. RJ was 2 that Christmas, and we all thought that things would go back to normal and she would go into remission again. Unfortunately, that is not what happened.
After Easter, she discovered she had developed shingles, which is very painful chicken pox that people can sometimes get after their immune system is lowered. She went in to get checked and get some medication for the shingles and found out that the cancer had actually come back and had spread to her liver. The doctors told her she had a month to live. I don't remember much after that. I remember her calling me into her room and having me sit down on the edge of the bed to tell me that she was going to die in a month. I remember hugging her gently and crying with her as it all sunk in. She wouldn't be alive in a month. She wouldn't be there for my graduation, marriage, or anything. I was very despondent and I remember crying a lot! I remember going to Reno for a last family vacation where my mom insisted that we have our own room and order room service to get the real hotel experience. She loved to spoil us and make sure we had the total experience.
Things became very real when we got back home from our last family vacation ever. She started going through her clothes, jewelry and possessions. She asked us if we wanted anything of hers that we would remember her by or that we had given her. We helped her go through her clothes and things to pack up and give to loved ones and we would take things that we wanted; gifts that we had given her, jewelry that we had admired. It was very emotional for us, and it may seem morbid to outsiders, but it was her style. She didn't want to be a burden.
When it became evident that she was getting weaker, hospice brought in a hospital bed. She refused to die in a hospital. She wanted to be able to see her garden that she had worked so hard on. She wanted to see RJ playing in the back yard. She wanted to see the flowers bloom. She loved Spring!
I remember being so angry all the time. I was a teenager so that wasn't an emotion I was unfamilar with. I couldn't help thinking that it was such a shame that RJ would never know her. He would go through life without any memory of her. That made me angrier than anything else.
Mom passed away on May 21, 1997 in the early morning. Exaclty 1 month from the day that she told us she was dying and exactly 1 week after Mother's Day. I remember waking up that morning feeling so empty and alone. I went in to see her before they took her away and she had a small smile on her face. She was finally at peace. I was thankful for that. Her pain was gone and she was in the arms of Jesus.
Geraldine Lee Williams was her name, and she was the strongest woman I ever knew. Yes, she's no longer with us. She lost her battle with cancer and left me, my younger sister, younger brother and step dad behind in this life that is full of uncertainty. Now that I'm older (I was 16 when she died) I am glad that she doesn't have to live in this uncertain world. She told me right before she died to not cry for her, but for myself. If only she knew that I was crying for myself. I was crying because I would miss her of course, but I was also never going to have my mother to share life's most important mile stones with. She wouldn't see me graduate from high school, get married or be there with me as I give birth. There were so many questions left unanswered and we just ran out of time.
She was first diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in grade school. I remember she sat me down after school one day and said that she had found a lump in her breast and the doctors had confirmed that it was cancer. I knew that her mother, my grandmother had died from breast cancer, so I was really scared. She said that women beat breast cancer every day and explained that she had caught it early so she had a good chance to beat it. I didn't know what was in store for our family, but I knew that it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. My sister was 4 years younger than me, so she wanted to tell me first so I could help break the news to her. I think Gina was too young to understand everything, but she was perceptive enough to know that this was not good and that mom was scared too.
My mom and dad had divorced prior to this happening, so my sister and I felt really vulnerable. I found out later that my mom was scared to tell us, because we had finally settled in at Randy's house (my mom's boy friend at the time) and she was terrified to scare us. She never kept anything from us, and knew that if she kept this from us it would cause more harm than good.
I remember seeing her get sick after going through rounds of chemo. I remember her hair falling out and her letting my sister shave her head so she could get some wigs. I remember being responsible for cleaning and cooking even though I was in grade school. I went through emotions of resentment and anger, but I was glad that I could be mom's helper. I think that's why I am so nurturing now, and why I am desperate to finally be a mother myself.
My mom finally got done with chemo and was in remission. Her and Randy got married the summer before I entered middle school. Mom wanted us to be in the wedding and we were proud to get to share her day with her. Life was great! They bought a houseboat and fixed it up and ended up taking their honeymoon on Lake Cour'de Lane. Gina and I had many birthdays out on that houseboat! We had many fun summers!
Then things changed. Mom wanted to give Randy a child. He had never had kids or been married before, so it was important for her to give him what he had never had. The problem was, the doctors had told her that having a baby might cause the cancer to come back. My mom went ahead with her plans despite what the doctors told her. She was very determined to beat the odds! The first pregnancy didn't go as planned and she miscarried after 2 months. Then she got pregnant with my brother RJ. This pregnancy didn't go as planned either, but she carried him almost to term. A month before he was due, they induced labor because my mom's back spasms were unbarable and the doctors were concerned about what they might find. Their concerns were valid. The cancer had come back, but this time it was in her bonemarrow.
Now comes treatment. At the time, I didn't know what her odds were to beat the cancer, but I should have known they were low because we never discussed it like we did with the breast cancer. She didn't want to worry me. I had just started high school, so she wanted things to be as normal as possible for me. The doctors told her that she had a 30% chance to beat it if she went at it agressively. She decided to do the most agressive thing she could, and that was to have a bone marrow transplant. This would require her to move to Seattle for months at a time to undergo treatment. It was experimental because they weren't using someone else's bone marrow, they were treating hers and putting it back. She ended up having a double bone marrow transplant which took a total of a year and a half. The excruciating pain that she must have gone through makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
After her treatment, she came home. She looked pretty good for someone who had gone through all she went through. She had lost her hair again and was pretty thin, but she was in good spirits and happy to be home to spend Christmas with her family. RJ was 2 that Christmas, and we all thought that things would go back to normal and she would go into remission again. Unfortunately, that is not what happened.
After Easter, she discovered she had developed shingles, which is very painful chicken pox that people can sometimes get after their immune system is lowered. She went in to get checked and get some medication for the shingles and found out that the cancer had actually come back and had spread to her liver. The doctors told her she had a month to live. I don't remember much after that. I remember her calling me into her room and having me sit down on the edge of the bed to tell me that she was going to die in a month. I remember hugging her gently and crying with her as it all sunk in. She wouldn't be alive in a month. She wouldn't be there for my graduation, marriage, or anything. I was very despondent and I remember crying a lot! I remember going to Reno for a last family vacation where my mom insisted that we have our own room and order room service to get the real hotel experience. She loved to spoil us and make sure we had the total experience.
Things became very real when we got back home from our last family vacation ever. She started going through her clothes, jewelry and possessions. She asked us if we wanted anything of hers that we would remember her by or that we had given her. We helped her go through her clothes and things to pack up and give to loved ones and we would take things that we wanted; gifts that we had given her, jewelry that we had admired. It was very emotional for us, and it may seem morbid to outsiders, but it was her style. She didn't want to be a burden.
When it became evident that she was getting weaker, hospice brought in a hospital bed. She refused to die in a hospital. She wanted to be able to see her garden that she had worked so hard on. She wanted to see RJ playing in the back yard. She wanted to see the flowers bloom. She loved Spring!
I remember being so angry all the time. I was a teenager so that wasn't an emotion I was unfamilar with. I couldn't help thinking that it was such a shame that RJ would never know her. He would go through life without any memory of her. That made me angrier than anything else.
Mom passed away on May 21, 1997 in the early morning. Exaclty 1 month from the day that she told us she was dying and exactly 1 week after Mother's Day. I remember waking up that morning feeling so empty and alone. I went in to see her before they took her away and she had a small smile on her face. She was finally at peace. I was thankful for that. Her pain was gone and she was in the arms of Jesus.
Love you Mom 5-21-97
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