#2 Chemo down, 4 more to go

Too tired to update yesterday, but my second round of chemo is done, thank goodness! I have 4 more left to go. No nausea yesterday, just tired after all Benadryl they loaded me up with. The steroids have kicked in today, so I've been cleaning up a storm. Taking a little break right now, to have a smoothie (orange juice, frozen fruit and greek yogurt; it's delicious!) and some chips. Then its back to cleaning. The kitchen is done, so next comes the bathroom, the living room and then some laundry. My Aunt Theresa is coming to stay with me over the weekend, so I'm really, really looking forward to that!

What little hair I have left has actually started falling out and my eyebrows and lashes are going as well. Fun times! I only have stubble left on my head, so when I rub it I get all these little tiny hairs on my hands. It's kind of odd. lol Oh well, better than long chunks of it falling everywhere. That would have been too traumatic!
This second round of chemo was interesting, I wasn't as nervous, but I also wasn't looking forward to it at all. I think the bone and joint pain is what really sucks. The diarrhea isn't pleasant, but manageable and I'm already used to it since I have IBS(irritable bowel syndrome). I just hate being so tired after not doing much. Since losing a lot of weight, I've had lots of energy and working without as much pain has been a huge plus! Now, when I go back to work after taking time off, I'm exhausted and my bones and joints and muscles hurt. That's the suckiest part. I just wish that this didn't have to interrupt my life so much.

Since my cancer doesn't have a tumor marker (which means that my blood work won't tell them if my cancer is decreasing or increasing) I have to wait for a CT scan to show if the tumors are smaller or larger. They won't have me do the scan until a week before my 4th chemo treatment. The waiting isn't as hard this time since I feel like I'm actually doing something to destroy the cancer and not just stop it's progression. I'm just nervous that we'll find the chemo isn't working. I do have other options of course, but radiation to the chest is so much more different than radiation to the pelvis. And of course I can always do more chemo, but it will be different meds and they will be much more toxic than this cycle. Boy how the mind loves to wonder and wander and think, think, think. Blogging about it has helped so much more than I thought. I don't have to freak Chad out with all the wondering and it leaves us time to talk about other important things. He doesn't like to talk much about my thoughts on dying. It's always in my thoughts though.

Thanks for all of your support! Love you all!

Hair be gone!

So, last night I decided that I wanted all of my hair to be gone, so I put Nair on my head and got rid of most all of the stubble. It's been coming out very easily, so I had bald patches and kept pulling it out and creating more bald patches. It became somewhat of a nervous habit. Now, my head is almost hair free (some of it is still hanging in there) and smooth like a baby's butt. I tried to shave the stubborn stuff, but it started to hurt so I had to stop. I didn't realize how coarse my hair was until going through this. And I didn't realize how much my hair kept my ears warm until I got rid of it all! lol My friend Sharyn got me a couple of caps, one is very soft and the other is to go under scarves and I love wearing the soft one. It keeps my head and ears warm. I recently got a blonde wig (if you are my friend on Facebook, you've seen my recent picture with it on) and it is amazing! The color is perfect and it hides my bald patches when I go out or go to work. I got it from the cancer center during my Look Good Feel Good class. They also gave me a ton of free make-up which is really cool cause I needed some. Chad wants me to play magic with him, so that's all for now. I have another round of chemo next Wednesday, so I'll be updating how I feel after that.

Pride aside

I've decided to set aside my pride and ask for help. Not an easy thing for me to do, I can tell you that.

Here is my link to where you can donate if you'd like:

http://www.gofundme.com/8a2qx4

Please feel free to share with family and friends.

Thanks for all the support, encouragement and love!

I want my mommy!

You know the old saying, "You don't always know what you've got, until it's gone," well that saying fits perfectly when you lose a parent at a young age. I was a brat to my mom. She had even predicted that I would be a brat to her eventually, once I hit puberty. I didn't believe her, but I know now that it is a normal thing for a pubescent girl to have an attitude with her mother. Two hormonal women living under the same roof, I don't suggest you try it if you haven't already. lol I chuckle to myself as I think about it, but it was a rough time for me. I was trying to deal with a mom who was going through cancer treatment for a second time, helping to raise my baby brother, going to high school, dealing with a pesky younger sister (love you Gina!) and dealing with school girl things like crushes and being overweight. Needless to say, I wasn't always a happy person. Being the oldest, I had to help with chores and cooking on top of everything else, so mom and I had a tangle or two when things got overwhelming for me. Even with all of that going on, I would give anything to go back to that time so I can tell my mom that I love her more and not be so difficult. I know hindsight is 20/20, but that's only a part of my issue. Now that I am going through chemo, I wish she was here so I could talk to her and relate with her about her journey. I wish she were here so I could tell her I'm sorry for what a brat I was and that I know a little bit about what she went through when she went through her chemo. We have different journey's, but the fear is the same. She dealt with metastatic breast cancer in her bones, I'm dealing with metastatic uterine cancer in my lungs.

I had a really, really rough day a few days ago. I've been doing so well, staying positive and feeling good, I think everything just caught up to me. I saw a sad video online and just lost it. Being bald reminds me of my mom and I just couldn't stop crying. I just wanted her comfort and didn't want anyone else to give it to me. I just wanted her. I called my aunt because she is one person that I've been able to let go with and she listened and comforted me and I felt better afterwards. There are not many people that understand all that I've gone through, but my aunt does. She's been through breast cancer, a crappy childhood and she lost her mom too, along with my other aunts and uncles. They know what it's like to lose a parent at a young age.

The important thing that I try to remember is that everyone has their own battles and their own pasts that create who they are. Everyone sees the world through different eyes; eyes shadowed by different paths. I try to remember this and have empathy. We're all missing someone and battling something. If we can all remember not to take our loved ones for granted, we'll be much happier in the long run and not filled with so many regrets. My hope is that others can learn from my experience and not let the small stuff get in the way of the big stuff.

First shower with no hair

I want to share with all of you how weird it was this morning getting into the shower. Just like everyone I have a morning routine. That routine is very much based on having hair! Hmm...go figure! I'll walk you through and some of it might be TMI, but that's the point of a blog, so here goes! lol

When I first get up, of course I go to the bathroom, then I take the dog out to go potty. I only shower every other day and this morning was shower day so I put my contacts in, put my towels down on the toilet so I could reach them when I get out (when I say towels, I have a body towel and a hair towel) and started the water. I was looking forward to the heat because I had recently turned off the bedroom heat in our apartment so it was pretty chilly. I get into the hot shower and let the water run down my body. (Ahh, that felt good!) I put my head under the water and wow, was that interesting! I still have coarse little stubble so it wasn't directly on my bare scalp or it would have probably been too hot! Ouch!

Anyways, as I am standing there, I realize that my shower routine will change or be a little shorter at least. I always wet my hair and wash it first and then I wash my face and my body. So, as I reach for the shampoo I realized that I don't need very much, but not before I put a big old glob into my hands. Oh well, I guess it won't hurt anything! lol I wash my head and then start to wash my face. After that I put some conditioner on my head (doesn't hurt to want the stubble to be soft, lol) and get my loofa to wash my body. As I am washing my body, I look over to the shower wall and notice something is missing. Now for those of you with long hair or hair at all I guess lol, you tend to lose some of it when you shower. Me, when I lose hair in the shower, I catch as much as I can of it and put it up onto the wall to throw away after the shower (keeps the drain semi clear, although Chad will tell you it doesn't, lol). So when I look up on the shower wall and don't see any hair, I start to cry. As much of a pain in the ass the hair was at times, the realization hit that I won't have any to put on the wall for the next 6 months. I grieve for the loss of my hair and move on with my shower.

As I am washing my body (TMI coming up here, lol) I get down to the pubic region and realize that I won't have any more surprise hairs down there (long hairs from my head) and get really excited! I know, I'm weird! As I am rinsing my body off, I did end up pulling a long hair out from down there (from the loofa) and had quite the laugh at the lone hair! I was kind of confused at first and then realized that it must have been caught in the loofa during my last shower. It's all about the little things that I am realizing along my journey.

I turn off the shower and reach for my hair towel to wrap my hair in before drying my body off. It was then that I realized that I don't have any hair to wrap in the towel. lol I decide that I will just wrap my head up to dry the stubble. Unnecessary, but no big deal. Then I start to think about all the things that will be different since I don't have any hair. I will no longer have random hairs on my body and I won't have to ask my husband to get them off of my back. I won't have to put styling product in or have to style it. I'll just have to think about what kind of scarf or hat to wear or if I want to wear a wig or not.

I haven't lost my eyebrows or lashes yet, but those are supposed to go too. I've got eyebrow powder and wax for when that happens. Fun times!

I am just so grateful that I don't have a funky shaped head! I actually feel beautiful bald and that is all that matters!

A shave and a hair cut

So, today is the day! I am going to shave off all of my hair. I'm a little nervous, I must say. I don't know what I'll look like bald, but I know that I can rock a cute scarf or hat, so I should be okay. Everyone says I'm brave, but I just say I'm a control freak! lol This is my way of being proactive and getting to do it my way, instead of chemo's way! So there! I guess what I'm most nervous about is now everyone will know I'm going through cancer and I'll be getting "looks." Its not that I'm not used to getting looks. When you're almost 400 lbs getting "looks" is pretty normal. lol But I've lost 145 lbs of that weight and I've been feeling pretty normal lately. It will be a bummer to stand out again, just when I've been getting used to blending in. Oh well, such is life.

It's weird writing all of this out for people to read. I feel like my life isn't anything really special. I'm just a normal girl, with normal feelings, going through cancer. Again. I'm just so darn angry to have to go through all of this again! I mean, I'm grateful that I'm healthy and able to have chemo, but I wish I didn't have to do this. School is almost over, and I have no idea how I'm going to do my Externship when chemo makes me so tired. I guess I'll take it one day at a time for now. It's never convenient to get cancer, but the timing really sucks! While everyone has been so great at offering to help, no one can go to school or work for me. It is what it is.

Cancer cannot

Have you ever gone through something that changed you at your core? Something that didn't just change how you think and feel, but changed who you were? That is kind of what it's like having cancer. It changes everything! It makes the simplest things seem so much more important! I used to take my family and friends for granted, but not now. Time I get to spend with them is so, so precious! Any opportunity I get to spend with someone else, I cherish it. It's an opportunity to see life through someone else's eyes and share the moment with them. It can just be simply sitting in the same room with them and talking about the weather. It doesn't matter. That to me is living. Living every day like it's special.

Puppies, butterflies, rainbows, kittens, (baby animals in general...lol) flowers, fluffy white clouds against the blue sky, thunderstorms, the smell of rain hitting the hot asphalt, mountains covered in snow, the sky reflected on a calm lake, the smell of cookies baking, the sound of children opening up Christmas presents, the sound of birds chirping in the morning, the smell of spring, the smell of fall, the smell of snow, the smell of rain, a cool breeze on a hot summer day, a bubble bath, a foot rub, a massage, a facial, the touch of my mom's cool hand on my hot forehead are all things that are precious to me, things that I will forever cherish deep inside of my soul. I believe these things are given to me by God. They give me so much peace.

Cancer cannot take away my memories, my salvation, my choice, my hope, my courage, my soul, my laughter, my love, my eternal life or my words. It cannot hold power over me and it cannot make me a victim. I am a survivor, no matter what the outcome. We can all choose to live our lives this way. Would you rather be a victim or a survivor? I choose to be a survivor! Life is rough, for everyone, but how we react to it can be someone else's blessing.