Friday, April 11, 2014

I want my mommy!

You know the old saying, "You don't always know what you've got, until it's gone," well that saying fits perfectly when you lose a parent at a young age. I was a brat to my mom. She had even predicted that I would be a brat to her eventually, once I hit puberty. I didn't believe her, but I know now that it is a normal thing for a pubescent girl to have an attitude with her mother. Two hormonal women living under the same roof, I don't suggest you try it if you haven't already. lol I chuckle to myself as I think about it, but it was a rough time for me. I was trying to deal with a mom who was going through cancer treatment for a second time, helping to raise my baby brother, going to high school, dealing with a pesky younger sister (love you Gina!) and dealing with school girl things like crushes and being overweight. Needless to say, I wasn't always a happy person. Being the oldest, I had to help with chores and cooking on top of everything else, so mom and I had a tangle or two when things got overwhelming for me. Even with all of that going on, I would give anything to go back to that time so I can tell my mom that I love her more and not be so difficult. I know hindsight is 20/20, but that's only a part of my issue. Now that I am going through chemo, I wish she was here so I could talk to her and relate with her about her journey. I wish she were here so I could tell her I'm sorry for what a brat I was and that I know a little bit about what she went through when she went through her chemo. We have different journey's, but the fear is the same. She dealt with metastatic breast cancer in her bones, I'm dealing with metastatic uterine cancer in my lungs.

I had a really, really rough day a few days ago. I've been doing so well, staying positive and feeling good, I think everything just caught up to me. I saw a sad video online and just lost it. Being bald reminds me of my mom and I just couldn't stop crying. I just wanted her comfort and didn't want anyone else to give it to me. I just wanted her. I called my aunt because she is one person that I've been able to let go with and she listened and comforted me and I felt better afterwards. There are not many people that understand all that I've gone through, but my aunt does. She's been through breast cancer, a crappy childhood and she lost her mom too, along with my other aunts and uncles. They know what it's like to lose a parent at a young age.

The important thing that I try to remember is that everyone has their own battles and their own pasts that create who they are. Everyone sees the world through different eyes; eyes shadowed by different paths. I try to remember this and have empathy. We're all missing someone and battling something. If we can all remember not to take our loved ones for granted, we'll be much happier in the long run and not filled with so many regrets. My hope is that others can learn from my experience and not let the small stuff get in the way of the big stuff.

No comments:

Post a Comment